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Comment on publication: The story of Lieutenant Sidorova
All you are looking for different excuses.
He was born a man, I live a man, I created a profile on the site with a half-female-semi-male name, I took a photo of a trance. I am writing from a female, male face. From trance. In the third limited, in the third omniscient. Well, what else ... I am writing comments from the female face. Just fun.
Comment on publication: The story of Lieutenant Sidorova
And you draw characters through sexuality. It is not as difficult as it seems. I have a story "My Zoo" in which I got it, I think. Read. Similarly, you can draw the exterior, interior, weather through the storyline.
Comment on publication: The story of Lieutenant Sidorova
Good style, high-level visualization, but not realistic. If the girl is an exhibitionist, this is an internal conflict, a conflict with the outside world. What does she want? What is stopping her? What is she afraid of? Why not looking for a partner? Why not feel ashamed? Fear of being dismissed in the end? It would also be nice to cause sympathy for her by some fact. For example, psychological trauma in childhood.
Comment on publication: Imps day
Originality of the idea - yes. There are too many conversations. The narrative is weak. They chat a lot and are not on the case, the characters are all flat.
Special thanks for the cocoon orgasm. This is something. "Something wet poked into the head" say? Some kind of pestle, like a hose, sucked all the juices out of a guy. Beautiful ... Sweet pain. Why "dark flame"? Let it be bright ... Grass, spices, evil with grass sap between the legs - super. Instead of all these conversations, it would be great if you could get this topic through. Scum in general could communicate with a telepathy guy ... Then everyone would be silent and just think. That would be a scene ... Sorry, this is not a reproach, rather a sentence. You have beautiful fantasies.
Comment on publication: Last wish
This is a story for a New Year's contest on another site (the contest did not take place). One of the conditions was a size limit. I needed plot completeness and plot presence. Actually, you voiced it: “A decent life leads to a glorious death.”
And what end of this story do you see?
Comment on publication: Ideal woman
Of the benefits:
excellent sympathy and further empathy for the hero,
Lilka and Vlad turned out to be almost three-dimensional, which is extremely rare for such stories.
Of the minuses:
the intrigue with Lilka faded out too quickly, her internal conflict never manifested itself
GG showed himself as an ordinary scumbag when we heard his thoughts about Lilke, the end of sympathy, empathy
Remarks on the form:
the prospect switched to Lilka a couple of times, at the end to Sasha — oh, it was not worth it. By this, you, the author, immediately give your person know-alls. Perspectives switch between chapters normally. So invisible. And if you want to clarify what Lilka thought there or Sasha, then let Vlad know, and we will see through all this through his prism. In the end, the explanation could also be made out like what was discovered to Vlad after some time.
All dialogues were more or less, but one phrase killed. These were his thoughts! He could not say so:
“In full, and you? Marry, or something, went for rich Buratino? Look what a lyalechka is all packed. ” - And she could not react as she responded. This is unreal, the author!
Another detail caught my eye: Lil'ka was blushing all the time. It does not matter, of course, but too this feature, like a stamp, or something, looks like.
In any case, I put 10, because this text was at least interesting to read and I reached the end (this happens very, very rarely). Write more.
Comment on publication: Casting for busty
Very lively accurate language, detailing the visual part of the highest level. Heroes, however, are flat (1st page). Not enough three-dimensionality. What else. Dialogues are not realistic. Waited for a conflict, intrigue, and the girl so simply led on the first page ...
In any case, very, very readable, which is rare on such sites.