I rarely tell people the truth, it has happened since high school that I prefer to keep back, present the facts in my own way, show the situation from the point of view that benefits me. I tell you honestly. I'm angry with you, very angry, and I will be only glad if you immediately disappear from my life once and for all, just go back home and forget the past days like a bad dream. - Each my word fell into the fertile soil, forcing her lower and lower to lower her eyes, to press her head into her shoulders.

- I hate you, and at the same time regret. I feel sorry for you, I want to understand, justify your act, forgive, but, I can not do that. By reason, I understand that you will not return the past, and do not complain about your fate. My father is a successful lawyer, and my mother is a florist of my own chain of stores. I study at the best medical university in the region, and they pay for everything. They love me, they believe me, they believe in me, I am the only and very desirable child in the family, I simply have nothing to complain about. But, I still can not help but be angry with you, because you threw me away, gave it to other people, as if I were a piece of unnecessary stuff, which I’m sorry to throw out, and no one to sell. And do not dare to talk about your father and his orders, I do not want to listen to excuses, I do not care about the reasons. Now I am sitting here talking to you, and I want to hit, take my hair and beat my head against the wall, stomp my feet, but I will never do this because it will bring me nothing but even greater anger. Do you want us to chat nicely in the evenings, share stories from the past and exchange gifts on holidays? This will not help me to anger, will not help get rid of the desire to rub your ass on rubble, we will not get closer from this, all this will become just one big hypocrisy and the game of ephemeral forgiveness, which will turn into a new betrayal.

- Unbeknownst to myself, I became angry and spoke fiercer and more sincere. I didn’t invent anything, didn’t pick up words, just splashed out what was hidden in my soul over the past days. Svetlana began to cry, but not as usual. There were no sobs, no sobs and sniffles, just tear drops falling silently down the cheeks, hanging on the chin and smashing on the tabletop in deafening silence that occurred in the room with the last word I uttered. He dragged himself several times, brought a glowing ember to the filter itself and put out the cigarette butt, noticed how my own hands were trembling slightly, took out another cigarette.

- I can not take and forgive you only for the fact that after eighteen years, you came to apologize and confess in love. It does not work, come to your senses. Communion, which you are so eager, forgiveness, too, is not achieved, I know myself and I understand that I will always see in you a bitch who left her son to fend, no matter how many stories about an evil father you told. - Defeating a flash of rage, I said, squeezing a cigarette in my teeth and catching it with the tip of a lighter flame.

- What you want will not bring anything except new disappointments, you will simply spend my time and make you angry more. The path that I showed you is your only chance for the future in my life. Here and now, I am a child, angry at the mother who betrayed him. Tomorrow I can become a man caring for my woman, and this feeling will be stronger than the first, this is our main instinct, laid down by nature. You are fixated on the thought: “I am your mother, love me,” you drove it into your naive head, not realizing that your motherhood train was gone forever. I propose to go beyond the generally accepted morality, to take a step and be at a completely different, more extensive level of perception, not a mother, but another no less close person. If you think that this is disgusting and disgusting, then let's finish this conversation, he also does not bring joy and fun to me.- I finally finished myself, I calmly finished. Svetlana raised her eyes red with tears and tobacco smoke, wiped her face with her sleeve and blinked several times. I loaded a monologue, she is now in a state of confusion, she does not understand how to be and what to do, her thoughts are confused and scatter, I know perfectly well what it is.

- I really want you to forgive me. - Svetlana finally said, trying to keep her voice from trembling.

- This is not an answer. - I shook a cigarette.

“I don’t know if this is right ...” There was a beginning, a woman, but she coughed. I silently stood up, opened the window and threw a cigarette butt into it. Svetlana chilly shrugged her shoulders, feeling the frosty wind running over my skin, I stood for a while and closed the window when the smoke that had filled the kitchen cleared.

He returned to the place, looked at the companion gathering with thoughts.

“I don’t know if this is right, but I’m very guilty and I want you to forgive me more than anything else.” If this is the only chance, then ... I agree. - With difficulty, literally squeezing out every word, she said with hesitation. And again, one part of me, quite purred, licking and anticipating the future of fun, and the second sighed hopelessly, realizing that nothing good will come of it. “Remember, this is a one-way ticket.” If all else fails, everything will end very badly. “To clear my conscience somehow,” I warned.

- I understand it. - Mumbled Svetlana and looked away.

- Look into my eyes and tell me about it. - I was not satisfied with this answer.

- I understand that everything can end badly and is ready to accept the consequences, I am ready for anything for you. - She said it bitterly, but, without a shadow of a doubt, and this time I almost looked away. There was silence, I wondered, Svetlana waited patiently for my answer. I rose from my chair, walked around her back, and put my palms on my tense shoulders.

“We made a difficult decision, but we already did it, so please calm down.” - I asked and put my chin on her head, stroked her shoulders. Svetlana did not move, I just felt her breathing deeply, really trying to calm down. I did everything right, her eye contact strained, and the physical relaxed her a little.

- Now you go and take a hot bath, put yourself in order, relax, and when you get out, we'll talk about what will happen next. - Continuing to stroke her shoulders, I suggested.

- Yes, I understood. - She answered quietly and got up as soon as I stepped aside.

My absurd idea came to life, and why am I not jumping from happiness? The truth is spoken by people, fear their own desires, they have a habit of coming true. Once again, having ventilated the kitchen, I climbed into the fridge, rummaging a bit, and found a bottle of wine. I did not find a corkscrew, so I pressed a cork in the neck and splashed a little into the mug, which I had previously washed off the remaining coffee. While sitting and sipping cold white, I wondered if I hadn't been too hard on Svetlana. No, if to think logically, I did everything correctly, I used its weaknesses to achieve the solution I needed, but did I really need it? Yes, if she had gone, I would have gnawed myself for my cowardice until the end of my life, because I had driven away I would not have reproached myself explicitly, most likely, as a joke, but this does not change the essence. In every joke, the share of joke, and many do not understand how much truth we speak in a joking tone, thus hiding it better than the most masterly lie. She stays close, agrees to become my bitch, spread her legs and wait patiently, hope that someday I will accept her and fall in love, even if not as a mother, the main thing, somehow I will fall in love.

Looking at this hope of her, I really feel disgusting and disgusting, she picked up the very right words. In doing a bad deed, I always brush aside from it, find excuses, often noble and sublime, have done well in this art. Even now I can say with confidence that I am doing this for the sake of my family, so that Svetlana was under my control and did not break my nerves to my parents.What do I do for the sake of Svetlana herself, that I regret her, I want to help, guided by the nonsense about the instincts and feelings, which the city, coming up with on the go. In depth ... Read more →