monster. Slap your booty on the floor. So I sit for some time, stretched out in the side of the legs and put on display their soaked panties. With puffed-up cheeks, with a full mouth ... yes, I don’t even want to think about what’s in my mouth, looking at the hairy monster on the couch. It, it seems, is also slightly confused, looking around on the sides, hiding behind a blanket, and smiling, says quietly:

- Hello!

“Oh God, it also speaks!” - his words take me out of my stupor. Burning with shame, I jump as if dumbfounded from the floor and rush to their heels. But in the corridor I come across my husband leaving the bedroom.

- Honey, are you so late? He asks, holding me by the shoulders. It is clear that in response I could only moan incoherently, afraid to spill something.

- I called you, called. What didn't you pick up the phone? - he continued boring interrogation. - Did not hear? Is the phone dead? ... Yes, here an army comrade came to me. He will spend the night with us today. Cool guy. We will not wake him up now, tired from the road. I will introduce you to him in the morning ... But why are you then pouting, offended, or what? Do not be angry, honey, this is not for long, tomorrow after lunch I will spend it at the station ... Well, my love, blow the cheeks then, and then it looks like a hamster. Let me kiss you and put me to bed ...

"Kiss?" - that was completely inappropriate. I was already holding back with all my strength, it seemed that I was already soaked with the smell of another man. And why didn't I even smell it? I was shaking all over with horror and bashful embarrassment, so as soon as he tried to lean over my face, she began to kick, squirm and squeak, until she finally broke free. Covering her mouth with her palm, she slipped into the bathroom and closed the latch.

- Honey, what's wrong with you? - I heard the voice of my husband behind the door. - I advised you to be careful with alcohol. And you tell me: “we'll just have some tea” ... - also he mocks, if he knew, with what kind of tea, it turns me out now.

After spending more than an hour in the shower, having spent a half tube of toothpaste, I slipped out of the bathroom and fell into bed. My head ached and cracked, not the same from drunk wine, or from the guilt of the “unfulfilled” sin. In general, the rest of the night and spent the whole morning in terrible nightmares. Saying that the patient didn’t actually have a big lie, she spent almost the whole day under the blanket, shaking from one single question: “Will the army friend tell her husband about the nightly adventures or not?”

After lunch, the husband, as he said, accompanied the guest to the station. He returned alone and with a bouquet of white lilies.

- Wow, flowers! And on what occasion? - I perked up.

“And this is not from me,” declared my beloved. - This is from my friend. He very much regrets that he was never able to meet such a charming girl and asked him to pass on this bouquet as a sign of his respect.

- Ha! How does he know that I am charming, since he never met me? - I said.

- Well, you're my wife. He would doubt my taste.

I do not even know, but they say white flowers are a symbol of innocence. Maybe the bouquet was a gesture of apology so that I would not feel my guilt. It would be nice if so, but since then I just can not stand white lilies. Their appearance reminds me of that involuntary sin and ridiculous treason.

3. SIGNS
It happens that the moment comes when there is a hunt before that love, that it’s just unbearable. And at such a moment there is someone, and you grab him without seeing, and you begin to love. No, do not even love. Loving And then it turns out that he grabbed the wrong thing ... But there were so many signs, signals “Stop!”

I had a case when the wrong person was caught and loved. Signs was a lot, and even in intimate life. We met in fragments, the opportunity to indulge in the joys of carnal love was rare, so we threw each other where and how it was necessary.And there were always some incidents with us: then at his work, when suddenly passion came up, and we indulged in love, in the midst of it, he did not keep me, and I was rolling around the office on a chair in lowered shorts; for some reason, it occurred to him to check the extensibility of the condom, he jumped off and clicked him in one place; then he forgot to take off his watch and, in a frenzy of love, I almost knocked out my front tooth; then one day, having decided to please me with a cunnilingus, he suddenly sneezed ...

But the last straw in the series of “signs” was a comical situation that was already sad. My beloved had a long-cherished dream. And it consisted in the following: so that the beloved woman would hold on for his dignity while he was fulfilling his need. Naturally, I, as a decent beloved woman, immediately reeled on my mustache and decided to make a fairy tale come true.

Gave us a day once, went to the park. Walking along the trodden trails, sitting on a mossy log, kisses, thievish affection. An hour later, two timid feelings, my beauties wished to cast. And I immediately had a bump - the light went on: “IT'S TIME!” I waited until it disappeared in the bushes, and followed. Immediately I did not find him in the undergrowth, I had to stray, but the characteristic sound suggested the direction to me. I walk up to him from the back, press my whole chest, and gently wrap my arms, gently wrap my fingers around the very same ...

- Like, honey? - Honey voice I ask.

Darling slowly turns, and I am speechless: in front of me, a completely unfamiliar man, with a slightly okhrenevshim expression on his face, broke into a smile the color of autumn foliage ... And continues to urinate !!! We stand like this, we look at each other, I already have a wet spot on my dress, streams of alien mean urine are flowing down my legs, his eyes have bulged from such a gift of fate like a patient with Graves' disease. Painting at least where! And suddenly a voice behind:

- Favorite? !!!

I had to explain for a long time what made me hold on to a member of another man in the bushes. Well, how could I have known that at this moment in the same bushes another man was pissing himself in the same white T-shirt and jeans?

This embarrassment is not over. Of course, they wiped my defiled feet with leaves and wet wipes. But I had to go home with a stain on my dress, burning with shame on the bus. For some reason, my cavalier did not have the sense to call a taxi. And then I finally began to decipher the signs, which led to the separation. But that's another story.

4. PERSONALIZED

Caught fish Pahomych nonsense. And instead of fish he got caught - a jug. He scratched on it and suddenly smoke, fire, gin flies out and says:

- I will fulfill your desires, say what.

- Fuck your mother! - only could say Pakhomych.

***
Shel Pakhomych by the pit, looks - there a man with a big can not get out, gave a hand, pulled out. And here the person opens a suitcase and says:

- You saved me, take your part of good. Here is gold, diamonds, rubles, dollars. What will you leave?

- Fuck yourself! - only could say Pakhomych.

***
Pakhomych came up to the window, sees the spider is entangled with a web of a spider, wants to devour. Pahomich didn’t lick the spiders, crushed the robber. And then the fly turned into a beautiful girl (90-60-90) and said:

“Thank you, my savior, I will cook for you, tidy up the house, love for killing the spider.”

- Blyayayayayat ... - only could say Pakhomych.

5. BIKES FROM THE ASSEMBLY. No joke

We sit once with Vanechka in "Tormashki". Well, this is a house-cafe with the roof down, and the floor up, where “Happiness is!” - there is a slogan in such luminous letters in front of the facade, under the Christmas tree, up and down on the lantern. The atmosphere is sweet, easy, beer, vodka under the kebab. Vodka was only brought early, the beer was not over yet. So it is sipped on a sip under a glass, do not disappear well. Conversation is already so on the bikes of the old days and moves out unobtrusively.

- Count up, I had a case. Tusim with a friend in the club, you rub-me, like nothing interesting. We drank a little. Danced like. In short, I wake up in the morning from the fact that both hands are numb. Looking in one direction - on the shoulder of the lass fell in, pretty ... Read more →