The arrows on the wall clock are lined up in the long-awaited vertical line, which was waiting for percent of ninety workers. Openspace was filled with a quiet, unhurried rumble consisting of pops from the door of cabinets, creaks of chairs, shuffling soles on carpets and floor tiles. These sounds, having mixed into a single mash-like mass, ceased to differ, my ears perceived it as a monolithic crunch, similar to the endless crumpling of a paper sheet. I sat in my chair, leaning back. Yet, sometimes I was angry with myself, for not being able to control my thoughts, for not being able to fight my obsession, I don’t know what I was angry at, my inability to resist the bawdy temptations, or that these temptations take me a lot of time and effort, not to mention how they persecute me all day.

- Sergey, hello - my meditation was broken by the head of the department adjacent to mine. He was walking along the corridor, throwing his jacket over an arm bent at the elbow, a bag with a long strap hung on his shoulder. He stopped in front of me, without taking a single step towards me, but just stood and looked in my direction. At the same time, before addressing to someone, he liked to make a sail-second pause after his name, and only then say hello or give the reason for the appeal.

- Are you going on airsoft? Come on, you have to go - continued after a few seconds waiting for my answer.

I rose from the back, turned on the chair to him. His face reflected confidence in his words, and full readiness to fend off any excuse that I ever had. He, like an experienced goalkeeper, was already prepared to catch her, he was waiting for her, he knew that she would definitely be, so I, without a chance of success, yanked and hesitantly answered.

- I do not know, things were for tomorrow.

I did not want to go. Not that I was against the game. I was interested in airsoft, since I never played it, but I really wanted to try. After all, who does not like war games? But I was lazy. Or maybe laziness covered only the true motives of my reluctance. Maybe I just did not want to go to him with my colleagues from work. I didn’t make friends with anyone especially here. Communicated communicated, but either on working questions, or all communication ended on a five-minute discussion of the topic of that time. And in general, I was not an ardent fan of all sorts of corporate events. How can you unite with people who are not interested in me, some of them annoy me directly? Although, after all, the main thing here is the event itself, to do an interesting thing, to get positive emotions, leaving everything personal beyond the framework. Perhaps, but I was always comfortable only in the company of people I knew well. And this company has not changed for many years. With age, it becomes impossible to find new friends. From this, I try to cherish the existing ones.

- What affairs, really it is impossible to postpone? Come on, team event, to rally the team. Establishing communication, interaction, rapprochement with colleagues, it all makes our work more fruitful - it did not let up. Ardent supporter of all corporate and all-crying. When it came to corporate programs, his voice constantly voiced the template stamping of euchar departments about team spirit, team building, etc., which makes our company stronger and more productive. And I didn’t come up with a reason for which I don’t want to go, just in such a case. Directly to say that I do not want, meant to break out of the team. Not for everyone, but for Alexander, who now continued to drill at me, it was exactly that.Sometimes it was even interesting to me, does he really believe in this, or does he force himself to believe in it? Or maybe he does it simply, from some desire to get as many people as possible. Even I have such bouts of meaningless conversations, aimed at rebuking the interlocutor more than holding a constructive dialogue. Again, I think, as always, the reasons for this lie somewhere deep inside each of us. How complicated it is. Why are all the reasons so hidden by our consciousness? From whom? From us? Why does it hide them? And when this mass accumulated in the depths of consciousness, generated by reasons well hidden from us, digs up a hole in our shield, called ethics, common sense, and a lot of other social and everyday norms, it breaks loose in the form of moralizing, senseless reproaches and criticism.

- OK I will try. But I do not promise, there just need to call on friends. “I’ll try to pay off the unwarranted promise.”

- Yes, try. People are going to a lot, come on, come. - Apparently, he wanted to say something else, since he did not immediately go to the exit after this phrase. For some time I was still looking at me, and I turned to the monitor, ostensibly ending my affairs. I only heard the steps receding from me, and only then, turning my head, I was convinced that he was gone.

Now, I was all immersed in my upcoming evening. I no longer resist thoughts, but surrendered to mercy and gave my brain to be torn apart.

It is time for me to go. I am leaving the building. On the street a lot of people. Everyone is in a hurry to go home. Who goes to the subway, who to the tram stop. And I'm not in a hurry, I still have time left. I'm not going home now. I see several girls leaving the same building. Yes, I periodically notice them, they work on other floors. As, however, and many other girls. It is cold now, so they are wearing either coats or warm jackets that hide their sexuality. In the summer, when I look at them, my imagination begins to boil. Only I will let go of the reins, and my thoughts will fall off, carrying me into the most vile and perverse fantasies, from which I myself feel uneasy. But the most interesting is not the point. And the fact that in my fantasies there is no place for beautiful and decent girls. My fantasies fill the vicious, depraved girls, for whom profligacy is a lifestyle.

I met Nastya a month ago, in one of the nightclubs I went to, in order to supplement my list of telephone contacts with similar girls. Young cheerful carefree lady danced and talked at the bar with her girlfriends, sometimes shooting her eyes around, a sweet and slightly bitchy little face attracted me less than her beautiful figure, which she did not hesitate. During the movements, the yellow loose-fitting short dress willingly stuck to her body, the spotlights licked her legs, hands, hair with multi-colored spots of light. I did not see her here for the first time, my observations suggested to me that she was one of those whom I was looking for. And the first impression about her was precisely at that time, on the first night we spent with her, having gone after the club to me. And I wanted her to know only the way she seemed to me in the club, in bed, I did not want to penetrate her, to understand, to hear her. I wanted to know her depraved, lustful girl. It was at least half of what attracted me.

Great luck that she is now at home, and I can come to her. I had to promise that we would go to the club, I would take her and pay for the entrance. Perhaps something from this to be done. Although such contacts do not last long, and then you have to look for other girls. But this is even for the better, my perverted consciousness is very sensitive to addiction, one and the same voice, smell, laughter, the same manner of speaking, habits. It quickly makes you lose interest, as if you have known this person all your life.So we do with the read books in a beautiful bright cover, which is pleasant to hold, touch, open, as if part of the ritual, plunge into a new world hidden in the depths of the page. And then. She just gathers dust on the shelf, everything is the same. Beautiful Bright. But not interesting.

Immersed in my thoughts, I almost passed ... Read more →