1
Your name is always on the lips.
Breaks out, fights like a bird.
I whisper and it will be reflected
Nervous tremor on compressed lips.
Power over him does not have a year.
Your image does not burn, do not snow.
WITHToit gently lash me eyelashes,
You fly in - light, young.
Wings, gently touching me,
Stir up to a shiver in the knees,
Make them soar in dreams
Dumas are confused, light shielding.
I nasal handkerchief,
I tremble as if at the first meeting
Phrases crumple, cripple thoughts,
Because I love immensely.
2
Light wing phantom unearthly
Constantly hovers before me.
Blushing, I'm embarrassed awkwardly,
Your name is a crazy cheat,
She has been given undivided power,
And she enjoys it all.
I'm dumb, burning in a fever,
Another moment I will be in a nervous fit
Adoring, in relaxed dreams
Inspiring wear on my arms
Soar up, then die again,
Nude imagine you ...
Spell where do i find out
To love on the net again to catch?
The cell of happiness has long been empty -
Cleverly fluttering, you flew away.
The first part is definitely stronger.
In the second they moved into verbs, it is clearly dimmer. I would even say if the second part is needed at all?
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Eugene, I will take a pause to re-read what was written, to think, to edit, it is possible to abandon the second part, as you advise, although with this (with the refusal of what has already been created), I confess, it is very hard for me. I carry “suitcases without handles,” as you say, until the last. Went to work. See you later!
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Eugene, worked on your comments. Read and please rate what happened.
2
Light wing phantom unearthly
Constantly hovers before me.
Blushing, I'm embarrassed awkwardly,
Your name is a crazy cheat,
She has been given undivided power,
And she enjoys it all.
I'm dumb, burning in a fever,
Another moment I will be in a nervous fit
Adoring, in relaxed dreams
Inspiring wear on my arms
Cupid's arrow struck,
I represent you naked ...
I dream of a passion-bird again,
In lust net catch.
Intimate cell emptied -
Fluttered love heartbreaker.
Reply
Well, what didn't you write right away?
Annie and Mandelstam cry, but for different reasons.
And the last: “more” is not quite appropriate (as always because of the stress).
Write at least "Long moment I will be in a nervous fit."
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Eugene, again, thanks to you, the poem has become much better read. The wrong emphasis on "more" missed. Now I decided to get rid immediately of both “more” and “I will." The next option: "I was choking a moment in a nervous fit." Thank you so much, see you soon fruitful literary meetings.
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Super. First part. Even Mandelstam could not have been better. Seriously
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Annie, thanks for the comment, As for the second part, as I promised Eugene, I will work, I will try to do better, raise it to the level of the first part.
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