With Yurik, for a long time I didn’t add up anything, right after the birth of my daughter, my sun Vari, everything cracked, the glass cracked, no longer glue it, the crack sooner or later break the glass, and it crumbles into several fragments, if not at its base, where a small hole ends in a crack, then this small hole, completely invisible to the eye, takes upon itself the brunt of the fracture and perhaps the glass will never break, but not in our case. Every month, week, day, it became harder, he reproached, ran away from home, came back angry, but came back, and after everything took off like a hand, became, as always, tender and loving. I was angry, he, too, I don’t know why we did it, maybe for my daughter, I paid her all the attention, walked, washed, played, suckled and tickled her, but I also fulfilled my wife’s role and never refused him attention and all my dreams of a beautiful and cozy house collapsed, I already got used to the inevitable and prepared the documents for divorce.

Five years ago I was in a hysterical search, yes, I was on the verge of hysteria, twenty-two years and no one, absolutely no one, my first love has long melted, I forgot about Romka, how hard I just ran, we were with him so often kissed, purred like two kittens, I sang with happiness, but for kisses he reached for the belt of jeans, I was not ready, was not ready yet and pushed Romka away. Offense, I don’t know, but he ran away and how, by the way, Julia, my classmate appeared and stole him, and he ran like her like a wimp and already signed, so sadly, so sadly, maybe I should let him unbutton his pants, I don’t know, but It was like the best.

I was alone and twisted my head in hysterics, everything is not that, everything is not the same, I like a cat with a moment of heat have roared, but do not let anyone close to them, but only maliciously look around. Sveta got married and was already pregnant, Natashka, this is still a little thing, clinging to Oleg, such a sweetheart, you can even make ropes, even weave a net, so she dragged him in bed and secretly said that she was already pregnant, Oleg is doomed, he is an honest and responsible guy. Irka, who has plans for Andrei, waits from the army, stubbornly sits and writes letters to him, Isolde, already with Zhenya filed an application at the registry office, Valya, worked out for a long time, dragged Lesha by the nose, he even left Peter for her, but behind him, he is also doomed. I stayed and no one in mind, absolutely no one, I began to go mad.

I saw Yurik on the subway, terrible meters in Yekaterinburg, my sister and I came to practice, she teaches history at the university, and she picked me up in the appendage with her students. Yurik, of course, I didn’t know what his name was, smiled at me, I still thought, here is a stuffed animal, it makes me eyes, but after the smile my heart melted and I looked only at him. Stupid, but I first came up and said that my name was Ira, and that I was passing by, that I was leaving soon, he said that it was the same passage that was from Tyumen, I was so happy, because I am also from Tyumen. So word for word, we exchanged phone numbers and signed a year later. It happens so, bang and you're in love with the ears, you can not breathe, you can not sleep, the food is not tasty, but I think only of thoughts about it, probably, this is love, but after I left the registry office, I felt as my status as a girl has improved, now I am married, and the next step is to become a mother.

Why I believed in all this, in some kind of loyalty, in some kind of loyalty, a year later I knew for sure that he was cheating, that he was lying to me, but I was silent, only my heart went out, it began to beat less often, there was no pain, resentment, everything began to fade, the colors were dissolved, only my sun daughter smiled at me and laughed.And yet I continued to love Yurik in my own way, to love his hands, his lips and how he caresses me, caresses like a man leading his fingers lower and lower across his stomach, loved his words, which he whispers in his ear, as he hugs, and how a man takes possession of me. I like it all, no matter what, I can't without it, stupid, but for a moment I forgive him and allows him to do with me whatever he pleases, obey his will, with his hands, but not soullessly, in return I get my own, enjoy these minutes, charge and no longer hide my feelings, used to be afraid, shy and even scared that he might think about me, now I don’t care, he’s already erased for me, only his hands and what can give me.

I do not know how you can live without sex, it is tantamount to wrest a part of yourself out of your soul, imagine you are in the forest and do not smell, you eat wonderful food, it is blusher, warm, but you don’t feel its taste, listen to music, but hear only the creak doors, and bed without sex, and sex without pleasure, without orgasm, empty space, silence, vacuum, nothing. And it’s not the divorce itself that scares me, but the fact that I’m left without sex, only this keeps me going, keeps me going, time will change everything, I know, I’ll find my man, even for the night, but mine, no words, no promises and commitments, just wonderful and long awaited sex.

For every word, sex means its own, someone has money, someone has an obligation, someone just has the opportunity to give birth or satisfy his ego, someone has power or fun, someone to come off and prove something, at least, but what is sex for me? I don’t know, I hadn’t thought so hard about him before, I was even scared, but I was not a cold woman, very, very temperamental, no, I don’t throw eyes at anyone, only with my husband and he is my first man, he I taught everything, although I don’t even know how to teach it. However, listening to my girlfriends, I began to realize that the main thing is not the number of partners, but they so boast about it, not beautiful words about love, this is wrong and who speaks about love, thereby looking for excuses in themselves, I realized that there are so many there is so much beautiful that sometimes it captures the spirit and, as most do not understand, they do not understand anything, but only reason. Sex for me is only a prelude, the first step, the first breath before the jump, at first scary, the whole body shrinks, but having made this fatal step, everything ... you are already in flight and you can’t stop at anything that is inevitable and fall in the bottom where there is no land, where the fall is infinite, as are your feelings. For me, sex means a lot, and I surprisingly love it more and more, I am even afraid to admit it, but it is so.

Spring was early, hot, the snow was melting so violently that whole rivers formed on the street, it was impossible to walk with a carriage, but everyone was afraid not that, but that the river was rising, which is what happened. Tura, it is a small river, although navigable, but small, rose so rapidly that the news reported its level from the front, that's 4 meters, by the evening 4, 2, and in the morning it was all five meters. In the north, the river had not yet opened up, so the water slowly departed, the sun was hot, I walked with Varya in the park, and in the evening, when Yurik returned, turned on the news, he always watched them, found out that the water had risen to 7 meters, because almost four floors, and it seems she was not going to stop. There was a flood, but after it came a real drought, heat, rain, it poured only three times, then there were fires, we have many clever people who believe that they control everything and began to burn last year's grass. And again the news as from fronts, a whole dacha village burned, then a village, somewhere the warehouses are being extinguished, no one is allowed to enter the forest, everywhere there are announcements, sometimes I hear sirens in the city, but it seems as far as the game, while the echoes did not come to the city. The smoke slowly blanketed, stretched, as if the air itself had acquired a whitish hue, it began to pinch in the nose, and tears to the eyes. I stopped going out, closed all the windows, saved the air conditioner if it were not for him, I would have suffocated, and then Olya and her son came

I saw her only once, at the wedding, she came with her son Slava, she is studying, probably, in the seventh grade or the eighth, frail as a reed, Yurik for him uncle. Olya lives in the village and the fire this year has not bypassed them, the whole street burned down, ...