I sat at the airport and cried. No, there were almost no tears. Swollen eyes, covered with palms, a suitcase, scathing memories and my desire to shrink, twist, wrap themselves in a warm blanket, turn off the ruthless light and forget. Sleep, sticky, dreamless or cleansing. I have not decided for myself what I would like. Get rid of this year and all of his memories, torments, torments or suffer, live all over again, even if only in my thoughts. I can choose any option and follow it, only I didn’t want to choose. Not now. Now I do not want to be strong and make a decision, I just want to be weak, even if there is nobody to regret and support me. I will support myself even in this weakness.

Music remained. His music, which he sent me once. How long ago it was. I was in Tae, and he sent links, then again, already in Moscow. Now she accompanies me everywhere - in the player, on the phone, in the car. As if a piece of Him does not leave me, even when He is not with me. Not ready to part with it. I know what I will do next. I will delete all his correspondence, so carefully copied and saved on the computer, then with one movement I will erase the messages that he called and then delete the music. Not forever. I like her too much, has grown into me too much to disappear. She will reappear when I am independent. From Him, from the memories of Him.

I sat and waited. What? I had to fly away in two days, but could not stay in the hotel for these two days, prolong the agony and the feeling of my uselessness. I need to fly away today, now, and better still yesterday, but there are no tickets yet, and I am waiting. Their turn, when thousands of kilometers will divide us. After this step, there will be no going back. There will be a past and ... I do not know what is the present, the future ... where I will hang ...

The music, I and tears, sometimes dried, sometimes re-acting, and then the surrounding is smeared, and you look at everything, as if through a magnifying glass.

I did not notice when He came. I heard someone sitting next to her and rather felt a heavy look. Not turned around. What for? No one should come to me. Uninvited tears filled my eyes again, I brushed them off, sighed, and felt someone take the headphones out of my ears. I turned round sharply and looked tired, hunted. You could not do that. He alone is capable of it. Take out the headphones ... but not to find me and come.

Pulled the minutes. He listened to music. I found out that there was no doubt about it.

- Why? - He first broke the silence.

I turned around:

- I can not be one hundred and twenty-fifth. Everything has gone too far. It hurt too much. Too...

- You could not tell me about it?

- I wrote.

- To say ... looking in the eyes.

- Could not. It was beyond my strength. I can't give you anything else. Everything that I could, I already did. Nothing more or nothing. The toy broke.

- I do not communicate with toys.

- It does not matter, the essence of this does not change.

- What are you silly ... silly Prostakov. You have no idea what would happen if ... I would not forgive myself, if something happened to you.

I looked and looked and could not say a word. What to say. Everything was said. What to do next? He was silent, I made my choice. It is up to him to decide where to finish and how.

- Forgive me, please, I thought ...

He held me tightly, ran his hand over my neck and squeezed a little. No, it didn't hurt. I so wanted him to put a collar on me right now. My favorite, with spikes. He ran his cheek, I put my lips to his hand. He ran his hand over his neck again, slightly squeezing the spot where the wreath pulsed under his skin.

- Let's go to the hotel ... Pause, heavy, viscous, almost tangible. Tears welled up again, only tears of relief. Forgive me? So fast?

“Forgive me, please,” tears rolled and rolled, soaking His shirt. His forgiveness was very important to me. And so stay close to Him, the most reliable, no longer running away.

- I forgive you. But first I will punish.

Hustled, passing through the feelings. I do not know what was more - fear, anticipation, excitement, excitement or joy. Maybe even happiness, because he forgave me. I even wanted to smile.

- Strong? - I did not like punishments, it was tough, painful and tasteless. And this is a punishment. Without emotion, only pain and an understanding that it is not over yet. For a long time. And it does not depend on me. Only from Him, when he sees fit to finish, set me free. And there is no way to stop it.

- Strong ... and tough.

I had no doubt. A picture flashed before my eyes ... She sighed, tightening the tension in her stomach. She nodded, smiled, rubbed her cheek against His shoulder. Despite ... I was happy:

“Thank you ... for forgiving.”

He stood up, stretched out his hand, I put mine in his palm. He squeezed her, looked me straight in the eyes, and suddenly jerked abruptly, and I was on my knees. In the middle of the airport hall. He collected my hair, took it in his hand and slowly pulled it up. She raised her head and looked into her eyes, then lowered her and quietly rubbed her cheek against his thigh. Somewhere the camera shutter clicked. The illusion of our loneliness collapsed, someone invaded our hot, pulsating emotions. He let me go, helped me up and pulled me close to me. I almost cried, a whole gamut of feelings flashed in my mind and left. So we stood, then He said:

- Let's go, - picked up my suitcase. And we went, accompanied by curious and perplexed views of those leaving.

In the taxi, I climbed up with my legs on the seat and clung to him. I was good. It was as if for the first time I received permission to touch it. She didn’t come off until the end of the trip.

In the room I was waiting for punishment. He gave me a few slaps. He said that he would punish me for cowardice, stupidity, for nearly destroying everything. (Especially for eroticspace.info — sexitails.org) I agreed with everything. Immediately, he ordered to undress and kneel and elbow on the bed. I stretched out as far as I could, bent, and waited. He handcuffed my hands. Took the stack. It hurts, without warming up - terribly painful, scorching and very tasteless. But not for me to decide.

He lashed me more painfully than before. Swung harder, a little slower so that I could feel the pain. And enjoy? ... Hardly. Not this time. I was pained to endure. He gave me the opportunity to rest and continued again. I didn’t moan, I cried softly, but I didn’t ask for forgiveness. What for? He will forgive me when he sees fit, when the punishment will be over.

Pause. He pulled out a collar and put it on me. He always punishes me without a collar. This is a redemption, as if I did not belong to him at the time of punishment, and only after having punished him, he considers me worthy to return to him again. I am grateful for that.

And again the blows are painful. It's hard for me to cry. It seems to me that there is no longer any strength left to endure. I can't take it anymore. I did not immediately realize that he stopped, removed the handcuffs, helped him up, carefully laid him on the bed and covered him with a blanket. I thanked him, put my lips to His hand and asked me to sit beside him a little. He sat down, laid a heavy, warm, kind of native hand on my head, and I fell into a dream.

When I woke up, he was not around. The body ached. It was painful. Pain overwhelmed loneliness. She got up in her arms, looked around, and saw Him. He sat in the chair and looked thoughtfully at me. Smiled, winced in pain, rising. And for the first time in the last few days, I saw a smile on his lips.