I remember being a lieutenant, I received the first assignment from my boss.

“And to you, lieutenant, check the observance of the fire and explosion safety rules on the economic pier,” he ordered.

- And on the ships? - I asked a naive question.

“And to them too,” was the answer.

Having received a certificate of verification at the headquarters, inspired by the confidence of the authorities and endowed with such high authority, I immediately hurried to execute the order.

At the pier, except for one ship, there were no other floating facilities, but there was a fire control post at the control room building ... Having checked it, I immediately made sure that it was dismantled: there were no buckets.

- Where are the buckets? - I asked the dispatcher who smoked near the control room and threw a cigarette butt into a bucket of red, slightly buried in the floor of the smoking room.

- Who knows. Someone must have whistled, - he answered philosophically.

- And this is not a post? - I touched the tip of the boot to a bucket of cigarette butts.

- It can be very. Only it has long been here ...

The list of fire control in the control room was solid.

- And where are the people? - I pointed my finger at him.

- Where is it to be. Dine, however ...

- And who will extinguish the "fire"? I have been instructed to give you a fire alarm.

- Play ...

- Fire! The control room is on fire! - I shouted.

The dispatcher looked at me with regret, entered the room, sat down at the console and picked up the phone.

- Ale, Masha. Give me a fire. Now will give, - he explained.

- Ale. Fire? Says the manager at the host pier. You know, we have a fire here.

Well, conditionally, I say, according to the teachings. Got it? What?! Basic sailor club? What the hell! You gave me someone, a goat hornless, ”he said to the telephone operator of the switch,“ why do I need a BMK! ” I need a fire, - and, glancing at me, he explained: they have a new, still inexperienced telephonist, they have not learned to connect. And, blowing into the phone, he continued:

- Ale! Fire? Yeah. Who is on the phone? Duty? In! I need you, my dear. Come on, brother, play your fire alarm on duty and let him blow all the blades on the hozpirs. What? How's that for? Here the inspector from the headquarters of the rear played a fire alarm. What is burning? Yes, nothing burns, you are such a damn thing. I say: training fire alarm. Got it ?! What was not ordered ?! So what, that in terms of no! There this can not be. Anxiety is sudden, got it? Well, thank God!

And turning to me, he reassured:

- Do not worry, Comrade Lieutenant, These minutes will come ...

- And you yourself, how should act? - I attacked.

- Notify the fire department ...

- and all?

- And this is not enough for you?

“It says here that you are acting as a fire extinguisher,” I indicated the fire schedule hanging on the blackboard in the corridor of the room.

- Right. How I missed it. Now we cut in ...

Reluctantly, he went outside and removed the foam extinguisher from the fire shield.

- Enable? - he looked at me searchingly.

- Of course. "Fire" after all ...

The dispatcher thought about it, then began looking at the fire extinguisher. It looked like he was holding it in his hands for the first time.

- Tak-s. It is necessary, apparently, to shake him against the floor, - he suggested, looking at me.

In response, I shrugged.

- Eh! Where ours did not disappear, - he turned the fire extinguisher upside down and shandarakhnul on the floor. But he was silent as a partisan during the interrogation.

- Does not work? - I asked.

- Seem to be. By the way, what is this lever? - he asked.

- Are you asking me?

- And who else. You threw this introductory to me ...

- Um ... I should ask you this! You work for them according to the duty specified in the fire brigade.

- Yes, do not ruffle you, Lieutenant. Nerves take care. You have all the service ahead. Still have time to earn hypertension.

The irresistibility of his arguments somewhat tempered my official zeal.

- Okay. Let's see. Lever arm. He is not just attached to a fire extinguisher. Apparently, it should be raised, - I suggested.

- Right.Act, lieutenant, otherwise he tore all my hands off, - he handed me a fire extinguisher.

- No, really. You act, - I refused.

- Stubborn you, however. Well, all right, - he agreed, holding the fire extinguisher upside down, - we are turning back the lever and ..., - the fire extinguisher remained silent.

- Tak-s. And you were wrong, commander. Our fire extinguisher is not breathing. By the way, why is this carnation here? - He raised a hopeful look at me.

- Apparently, to clean the outlet.

- Yes? Very possibly, - he agreed and, taking a carnation tied to the handle of the fire extinguisher, put it into the nozzle of the fire extinguisher. He "coughed" and with a copious jet slashed over my boots and trousers. To the knees, I began to look like Santa Claus.

“Sorry,” he apologized and blew off the jet.

- Stop! The fire in the corridor is extinguished! - I exclaimed and bounced to the side, fearing that he had not poured me from head to toe.

- And now, what is burning? - He put a fire extinguisher in a fire shield on the ground, which continued to spew the jet, turning into foam.

- Roof ...

- Um ... Where is this fucking fire ?!

He hung up the “dead” fire extinguisher and called again.

- Hello. Fire me! Who is it? Hospital? Listen you, untrained goat, again incorrectly connected. Come on fire! Yeah. Here it is. Duty? Where is your car? My roof is already on fire. What? Do not you see? Here is a burdock, (it's me). Conditionally I say, on the introductory "lit". Here the examiner again threw an introductory one. What? The wheel is flat tire. Rubber is old, you say. And what a business to me! These are your problems, dear. And how long will you change it? What? No reserve? And where is she? Put on board? What for? Has she gone for food? Oh, my dears, well, you have the willingness! And turning to me, he winked:

- Have you heard? Pozharka sour, without leaving the park.

- And what shall we do? The roof is “burning” ... - I smiled.

- In! - He pointed his finger at the boat at the pier, - It's a fireboat. Throw him this introductory, he will put out, - the dispatcher grinned.

His proposal seemed tempting. I myself have never seen how PZHK works. I immediately went to the boat. But there, except for the midshipman, no one was there.

- Where is the commander? - I asked the midshipman.

“He is conducting a tactical exercise with personnel to repel a ground opponent,” he pointed out to a slope of a green, wooded hill.

- We must put out the fire ...

- Um ... with whom I have the honor?

I submitted my credentials.

- Where is the fire? Something I do not observe.

- Conditionally the roof of the control room is burning ...

- Ah! Control room? This is a different compote. It's possible. This is us now, - hemmed midshipman and dived down somewhere. Soon he stood for one of the hydrants.

- So the roof, you say? - he grinned, - now we will extinguish it.

A powerful jet of water, having flown over the pier, hit the control room window. Complainingly sounded broken glass.

- Phew! A bit did not calculate, - he translated the jet to the roof.

I looked and was stunned. The jet suddenly collapsed the pipe and began to tear slate from the rafters.

- Stop! Enough! - I begged.

But the jet continued to whip, rolling over the roof. Now she was washing the road, twisting the stones.

When the fire was extinguished in this way, a black Volga appeared on the pier.

- What's going on here? - the captain of the 1st rank, the commander of the rear of the naval base got out of the car.

- A fire extinguishing exercise is underway! - smartly I reported.

Giving me a condescending look, the head of the rear looked at the control room.

- Wow uchenice! Only recently the control room repaired ...

Then he turned to the dispatcher.

- Kharitonich. Well, this wind is still in my head, ”he nodded in my direction,“ but you are a shot sparrow ... ”

“He doesn't know his fire extinguisher,” I tried to justify myself.

- You do not ask! - cut off the head.

In short. I got reprimanded. They ordered Michman to repair damage, and to monitor and report to me personally.

- Soon, after the departure of the head of the rear, the commander of the boat with the sailors appeared on the pier. Instead of weapons, they carried buckets, including firefighters, filled with mushrooms. I realized from the merry face of the Starley that the “enemy” was destroyed.

After listening to me, the senior lieutenant laughed.

- Noble teaching you turned! Hammer! - He nodded to the torn roof of the control room.

- What should I do?! - I begged.

- Nothing. Now we’ll fry mushrooms with potatoes and have dinner ...

- But what about the pipe, the roof? ...

- Do not worry, Lieutenant! This we will eliminate with one hand ...

... We ate fried mushrooms in his cabin, I ate nothing better in life.

There was a knock at the door. A midshipman appeared on the threshold.

- Comrade commander! Damage caused by extinguishing the fire to the control room and the road has been eliminated.

- True? - incredulous burst from me.

- Yes sir! You can check, - he answered.

- Look at me, Fedotych. Next time, don't be mischievous ..., - shook his finger at Starley.

- So they themselves ordered ...

- They? And the head on your shoulders for what? It was necessary not to beat on the building with a stream ... Probably, you know what the strength of our hydrants are. Got it ?!

- Yes sir! - stretched midshipman.

- That's it. Sit down Help yourself ...

- So I am this minute ...

- No no. Lieutenant still report to the head of the rear ...

... It was already after midnight when I arrived at the rear on duty and phoned the head of the rear.

“Found when to report,” growled a sleepy, dissatisfied voice in the receiver.

I realized that the "lips" I still can not avoid.

During the review, the head of the rear noted that the exercise to extinguish the “fire” at the hozpirs was conducted in conditions close to the actual ones. I was thanked. And the wife has already prepared my things for the “lip”.

Truly true is the proverb that "the ways of the authorities are inscrutable."

Edward Zaitsev, retired rank 2 captain.

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Zaitsev Edward Leontevich.

99014, Sevastopol, ul. B. Mikhailova, 1-187, Ukraine.