Svetka angrily swings at Tolyan with a bag, aiming at the head.

- If I could have kissed the kid instead of “thank you”. Learning for you, loafers, - continues Sergey. - We would understand and forgive Tolyan.

Feel like blush. From the thought of a kiss from the girls I spiral breath.

- There is nothing to do - to kiss him, - Olga chuckles.

- Is he a man or something? - already seriously notices Sergey. In the tone of his girlfriend, he was clearly dissatisfied.

- This one? - the girl scornfully responds about me, mockingly looks, and then sharply turns away. Sveta just laughs at me, making it clear that they did not consider me a man. It was as if I had been hit again in the gut as in the morning.

More precisely, it would be better hit. I was ready to fail on the spot in shame.

“Sasha is still small,” Light answers condescendingly.

- Growth is not high, but the head is cooking, where are we all, - Sergey stands up for me. A good guy, this undergraduate, but it would be better if he didn’t touch the girls about me. Sergey already speaks to me. - Do not listen to them show off, baby. Eat more, go to the gym, and you will have a lot of these girls.

Gives me instructions as underdeveloped. I take the bag and walk away from them, sitting in the corner of the audience. Guys with classmates switch to their topics, I hear their laughter, carefree chatter, and I understand how cool everything is with them - relationships and everything else.

What I do not have. And maybe never will be. Soon the workshop begins, and I seem to fall into the fog, solving all the tasks on automatism.

Already in the evening, climbing the stairs, I pass by the apartment on the floor below. Once again, I catch the noise of a house scandal from behind the door. Loud female voice, breaking into a scream, justifying male bass and mutual reproaches. This swears Tanya with her husband, a very common story for this apartment. Tanya and I have known each other for a long time, our mothers were friends, and, the oldest, she was left to look after me little as a child. A couple of years ago a husband appeared in her apartment. Tanya quickly changed, instead of a cheerful girl, she became sad and irritable.

And now the door suddenly burst open, the husband, a boy of her age, jumped out and, throwing on his jacket as he went, ran down the steps. This has happened before.

I had to pass by, tactfully not noticing anything, but today made me look into a slightly open apartment. Look into someone else's life, where everything is not smooth either. In a small kitchen, I notice Tanya crying, in a light homemade dressing gown, with loose hair and one on one with her misfortune.

- Something happened, Tanya? Can I help you?

I didn’t understand why I’d come to her now. Is there a family quarrel every day? But we communicated since childhood, and to everything ...

Probably an unhappy person can easily reach for another's misfortune. Like charges attract.

“Come in, Sasha,” Tanya said. I sat down in the kitchen next to her and met her eyes with her tear-stained eyes. Then she touched my arm and leaned her head against her shoulder. Her black, tar-like hair spilled on my chest, tickled my neck and hit my nostrils with a pleasant smell. A slight tremor went through my body.

“He changed me again,” I heard the strangled voice of the girl. - I didn’t spend the night at home again ... I’m tired of lies ... why such a life? - and I heard her bitter sobbing again.

At this moment, she no longer has anyone to sympathize, but what to say to a woman experiencing her husband's betrayal. I mumble something comforting in response, and I myself notice bare female legs that are ajar from under the robe. Beautiful, with smooth white skin. I force myself to turn my head away, believing that I am ashamed to stare at the body of a girl when she feels bad. I am seven years older than me, she was always a cool girl, this Tanya, and I wish her husband, an outspoken fool, does not appreciate what she has ... He just wasn’t in my place when nobody needs you.He does not know how to lose, because he does not know how to receive.

“Everything will get better, Tanya,” I tell her, although I don’t understand how. She gratefully shakes my hand, like an old friend, and asks me to leave. She needs to be alone.

Heaviness in the legs and heaviness inside. There is nothing good in my life. I can not help such as Tanya, because I can not help myself. Depression comes on with the power of three times, and I feel that now she will finish me off. I remember Katya's eyes, her light walk, as light as a girl herself. I envy the peasant kissing her in the morning. What else can he afford with her? I admit that much. What gets to me? Loneliness and ridicule.

Ice emptiness around. To my mother’s alarmed question, I explain that I have a headache, refuse dinner and go into the bath. It’s time to end with all this, and I don’t want to regret it. Mom, you just forgive me and that's it ...

The razor slides in my hands, and in a second I open my scarlet flow of life.

Then behind the back the bathroom door opens, and I hear a heart-rending mother’s scream. Her eyes are clouded, and the cold merges with the hot heat ...

* * * *

... I am sitting in a snow-white office with empty walls in front of a smart uncle in a green robe. Mom is there - she has not left me for a minute the last week. She raised me without my father, lost among foreign women, and is afraid of losing her only son. I let her down with my trick in the bathroom, but now I have to convince both her and the green-robed uncle that there was no serious suicide attempt, that it was a minute weakness, an accident, and this would not happen again. I do not want to fall into the category of supervised teens with mental problems. I'm not crazy.

Just miserable.

“In principle, the examination showed that your son is mentally healthy,” the doctor announces, and my heart is immediately relieved. - Healthy, how healthy people can be in our society. But the guy has a serious, protracted depression.

Everything will cost and they will write me out?

“I spoke with his institute teachers,” the psychiatrist continued with a degree. - He is described as an outstanding, talented student, however, closed and uncommunicative. And we will cure Sasha's depression.

He rummaged in his closet and took out a couple of plastic jars.

- I will prescribe him a drug called "Interiks", - the doctor pronounces an incomprehensible Latin name, - The drug is new and will help him. I just want to warn you that he is experimental, and I need your written consent to use it. You understand ...

Mom assured that she would sign everything, so long as there was a benefit, and the doctor nodded.

- Practice confirms the primary efficacy of the drug, although side effects of a psychological and neurological nature are not excluded. But patients coped with them, so we will try.

Already at home, under the constant supervision of my mother, I took the first pill for the night. For the first time in recent months, I slept soundly, and in the morning I woke up in a surprisingly beautiful mood — my brain was relaxed, and my body was full of energy. The good thing was this "Interix". As usual, I included a porn on a popular site. I needed a discharge ...

I took the drug for several days, looking for changes in myself. Indeed, in my state of mind there was a shift, sadness and depression let me go, I became calmer. And one evening, again locked in my room, I opened the computer and turned on my favorite video. Quickly find videos with hero Dan.

My porn-idol strips sexy cherub. A string of panties flies to the floor from the jerk of his hand, the brunette spreads her legs so that I, the ordinary viewer of their passion, can see everything. The shaved slit is already wet and ready to let in the phallus of Dan. I freeze in anticipation of a good fuck, as Dan turns around.

A close-up of his face is shown on the screen. We meet eyes.

- So you will watch? - I hear. Who is he to?

“This is me,” the porn actor responds to my thoughts with a confident tone .... Read more →