I often got sick and so I went to school very late. In the 10th grade I was already 18 years old. After graduating from school, I didn’t rush into the army, but left a year later not with my call, but that’s another story ...

Fate was pleased to mix me, and twice! Here is the villain! While serving a real child's duty as a kindergarten pupil, during a medical examination of the whole kindergarten I had something in the liver, in the kidneys, or in the stomach. Therefore, a few days before the first school bell, I was transferred with honors to the hospital for a two-week follow-up visit.

Feeling like a prisoner of the castle of If, he still sought out appropriate lessons in order to brighten up his 15-day incarceration. For example, the older boys taught me to approach some aunt of the age of seventeen, or a little more, to make her say that she was “damn.” Of course, I knew the meaning of this word, but I made a face as if street enlightenment didn’t touch me, I fulfilled this request with a proper mine of unwise foolishness. To the credit of offended innocence, beaten, I have never been! They immediately guessed that someone had persuaded me and affectionately asked me who the nasty creature who had taught such a small number to bad words.

Of course, I did not betray the intruders, did not even bribe the sweetest chocolates, cookies or marshmallows. Having eaten the gifts that had fallen to me almost from heaven, I thanked the gift, but refused to give out the pranksters even under torture.

It should be noted that I, too, was not stitched and, understanding the continuity of generations, I learned the kids serving two times younger than me for different offenses, throwing rubber toys at every turn, regardless of dependence on social status, sexual identity or age.

One boy was so dexterous that he put a rubber clown in the tin to the plate to one uncle who was carrying his dinner in the ward. Fortunately, the soup was rather cold, but it poured the unfortunate from head to toe. Probably, it will seem cruel to someone, but everyone present, young and old, was laughing wildly when he involuntarily licked the remnants of the former supper.

One aunt expressed a desire to take patronage over me. Now I couldn’t gobble up on chocolate, oppose the tomato juice, which my compassionate parents brought as gear in order to somehow brighten up my imprisonment. Now I was given out and released on the fact of eating, without fail, after a prepast meal. If earlier, instead of the disgusting, zakomkovannoy semolina, I could slap the floor of a chocolate bar with a glass of juice, now it was a worthy reward after performing the duty imposed on me, and ranged from two to four cloves. There, your humble servant was honored to know the meaning of the words: "Bitter, like hina." This very queen me regaled every day.

But everything bad, as well as good, ever ends. Freedom smiled at me at the entrance of a maternal and paternal smile. And the next day I was taken to school. Without any pump, flowers, music and beautiful speeches. In addition, I was late for the first lesson.

There, they quietly determined the place for me and, thrusting the prescription under my nose, forced me to draw something like: “Mila washed the frame, my mother Mila washed it.” It should be noted that I was Krivorukov from birth, or rather left-handed. At that time, everyone dreamed of building a happy communist future and there was no place for left-handed people in it. Therefore, Zinaida Andreevna (that was the name of my first teacher) made me take a wooden stick with a pen in my right hand and calligraphy, periodically dipping it into an inkwell. The first letter I created was a blob that almost filled up half a page.My compassionate neighbor explained to me in great detail what I was doing wrong: I had to dip the tip, but not all the feather ...

I learned to read when I was four years old, and I could not understand why, having seven years behind my life, the overgrown youths and maidens could not do that. And it was incomprehensible to me, why add to two by two, when I already knew then that if you divide three apples for two, you get one and a half.

***

Until the last call was less than a week. I wandered down the street, thinking about the vicissitudes of fate and how I should live on. A sudden sharp pain pierced my body. The pain had its origin in the lower abdomen and spread across its surface, as well as deep into and in breadth and obliquely. I stopped and began to breathe deeply as taught. Soon she passed, and I continued my journey into the dining room. I loved dining in the dining room, although now I understand that Mom and Dad cooked great.

But many will understand me why: after all, their children also prefer to chew all sorts of rubbish in glamorous sachets and wash down this awl with a burda, glowing at night in the stomach of their little cheeks, instead of unearthly tastes, with which their hot-tempered parents dress them. This phenomenon is explained simply, but I digress as usual and continue.

Going into the dining room, for some 70 kopecks I filled my empty stomach with half a borscht, two pork chops with my palm, mashed potatoes, poured with some sort of sauce. A pie with cabbage or apples, along with a not-remember-what-drink, gave plenty of energy to a growing, young body.

Smiling like a cat, getting drunk, of stolen sour cream from a careless mistress, the cat sent its paws home. My path was long, although it was not replete with dangers. All-consuming pain clung to the inside of my sprut. Everything hurt from the throat to the male nature. Barely moving my legs, I still got to my native penates, and made an oral complaint about the table food of my dear mother. She did not become cunning and wisely offered to enjoy No-spaa, which in its reserves was an unlimited amount. She considered this medicine almost a panacea for all gastrointestinal diseases.

We must pay tribute to her wisdom, the pain is gone. But at night flashed with a new force. This time the hellish fire decided to devour my insides. I could not get up and knocked on the wall of the parent bedroom. Dad from a dream lured arrows and rushed to open the front door, completely forgetting that we have electricity and the bell is working properly. Returning under the warm blankets of the blanket, he was stopped near my door by the moaning and ohaah of the dying man. Soon everyone was on his feet and the neighbors too - we did not have a telephone. Calling soon all were ready to wait. Fed again but-Shpoy, the dying soon fell asleep.

The ambulance arrived, as usual, not quickly - at 8 am (after about 6 hours). We must pay tribute, the point from which they departed was only a block away from us. At home I was alone and after loading into the car in a minute I was in the reception center. Until the last call, there was less than a day left ...

Having examined my blood and this and that, a woman in a white coat made a statement that my white blood cells exceeded my mental and non-mental limits. Her last words were: “On the table! And immediately. " Your humble servant, feeling like a vegetable or a piece of meat, fit only for cooking some dish, accompanied by two sympathizers "on the table."

Having washed and cleaned the vegetable from unnecessary hair, the ailing was placed on the table. Where he began to plastat for removal of the appendix. While I was slaughtered, I told them the anecdotes and fables from my life. The surgeon and her assistants rolled with laughter. Finally, she got tired of it and, she said that she would put me to sleep if I did not shut up: “Yura, you interfere with my work. If I inadvertently defend something important for your masculine essence, you will not be happy about it? " Immediately shut up, the lad began to wait for the completion of the operation. Suddenly I felt bad and wanted to tear out all the remnants of food that had not yet been digested from my bowels.

- Where! - the surgeon shrieked, - stop creating the urge to vomit, he runs away from me.Breathe deeper and turn your head.

I was aware that he was an appendix and where he was running. Therefore, I began to breathe deeper. Feeling a sudden pain, I realized that ...