the same role, the role in which is interesting, only a couple of remarks, and now I finally retired from this theater and can be myself. I did not live without him, it was just anabiosis. It was he who made me very strong and so defenseless.

I never loved. It really is. Of course, she uttered words of love, it turns out to be so easy to say them when you don’t like. And how hard it is when there is love.

Suddenly, the correspondence stopped. There was no reason, just stopped communicating. And I lost count of days without him. They have merged into me in one dark pulping mass. It draws me, I do not have enough air, pain comes. He is not on the site and at the same time he is always there, I only have a hand to stretch and I touch it. I do not do this because I know that as soon as my hand starts its way, my illusion will crumble to dust. I live by him, I exist only as long as he lives in my memory, only as long as he is near. Every day I find it harder to keep him near myself. His image begins to break up into atoms, molecules. I really do not want this, every day I reread our correspondence and again plunge into where I was carefree and happy where I was ready to be deceived and where I was deceiving myself and again and again I restored his image.

Dear, dear, beloved, where are you? You know, I am not without you.

I was saved by the habit of splashing everything on paper, creating the illusion that I was talking to him.

How do I live now and what keeps me going? Probably the belief that he is, the hope that he is doing well and my love, which now lives independently of my will. I will always wait for him, I will always be with him, I will always be behind his right shoulder.

****

He has not been on the site for more than three months and at the same time he is with me every day. It is he who at night covers me with a blanket, it is he who is straightening the hair on my face, he is whispering tender words to me, it is he who soothes me. But, despite this, very often I wake up with a scream of my own. Not a day goes by without me thinking about him, I still stroke his photograph on the monitor and feel his warmth, he is alive, he is near. Everything is also daily I write him letters and do not send them. I see him every day in the faces of passers-by, I hear in the noise of passing cars, when a snowflake hits my face, it touches me. He is here with me. My amok does not leave me, and I do not want this. Now he protects me from stupidity, lies and envy, and from all the bad things in our life. Tears are rolling out of my eyes as soon as I think that something could happen to him, I pinch my mouth with my hand and shout “No”. It doesn't matter to me that he left me. It is important that I love him. I like! And I hope I will always love. My amok!

I was looking for him everywhere, I believed that he could not so easily leave me. A month after the end of the correspondence, I left this city, the city of my crazy happiness. The old adage, houses and walls are being treated, did not work, there was no limit to my despair, this was aggravated by the fact that I had no one to talk about everything that had happened to me. I knew that they would not understand me, it was impossible to understand the patient, he could only sympathize with him. Every day I was also on the web, hoping that it would appear, the phrase “walking like a shadow” became clear to me, because it was then that I became, the usual mechanical movements to support the body in working mode. I returned to the state of life without him, only more critical, now I knew that he was. At first, my friends tried to stir me up, but everything was in vain. It was then that I realized that loneliness is most acutely felt when there is someone nearby, someone who has nothing to do with you.

It was the thirty-first of December, I have not expected miracles from this day. This is just a transition, when I become more mature, wiser, a certain point of reference, a time for summing up. My longing for him reached a mad heat.To celebrate the New Year, I left for my hometown, which left fifteen years ago, but it was there that I always received the strength necessary for a revival in the case of critical situations. As I thought, why did I understand in no place the sun shines so brightly and the apple trees do not bloom as beautifully as where you were born, where you first learned what love is, love of parents. The girlfriend, who stopped, did not have a computer, and for three days I did not go online, changing my habit for the first time, like a faithful dog, tired of waiting. And he came out, the first of January in order to block his world. Game over. Maybe for him, but not for me.

My attempts to find him were crowned with a certain success. I found girls, colleagues in misfortune with them, my mysterious interlocutor, as well as with me entered into a correspondence, the nature of which was unchanged. I found three and not one didn’t respond badly to him, probably because no one took this correspondence seriously, no one except me. Do I have to say that an even greater wave of despair has covered, the realization that the person to whom you confided turned out to be a coward, petty, pathetic, incapable of deep feelings. I had to do something, otherwise I no longer simply exist as a person. I cleaned my soul wound and stitched it, in fact it looked like that, I began to write to him less often and tried to forget everything that was even if it was beautiful.

Suddenly, a job offer in the Far North turned up, and I happily agreed, it was a chance to break off my drug, my Amok. Upon arrival at work, I completely changed my lifestyle, I stopped being afraid of people, and again I was drawn to them, feeling the joy of communication and simple things. Once again I could experience the delight of the nature of me surrounding me, of the new music I heard and, gradually, life came pouring drop by drop into me. I, of course, remembered him, but it was something covered in a misty haze, when you do not know whether it really is or a mirage. I felt almost healthy, my communication on the Internet was kept to a minimum, so the connection there was disgusting and the normal speed was late at night when I was asleep. About once a week, very early in the morning, I went online to watch incoming mail and respond to messages from friends. A year passed unnoticed after our meeting, I must say that at work I simply did not notice the run of time. (eroticspace.info) As I opened the messages received on the box, I saw a message from him. A bouquet of red roses and nothing more. Everything that I tried to forget was flooded again, with even greater force, now I think that the most sensible thing would be to simply remove it without even opening it, put the interlocutor on the black list, but so great was the temptation to re-experience everything that was more years ago, what brought me so much happiness and great bitterness.

Our correspondence was renewed, I thought that I would not fall again into this trap of his charisma, which one there. Madness with even more power covered me, especially since he called, I heard his voice. Remnants of pride and reason held me back and entered into disagreements with feelings. When the wave of euphoria from his return passed, a choice arose before me, again deceiving myself, continuing to love the image I had invented, which in fact had no relation to the real or began to live without torturing myself. I chose the second option. I didn’t stop loving him, he just ceased to exist, as if a person close to me went somewhere far away and disappeared, died, died, and so on. He was and always will be like a mark in a passport that you cannot get rid of until you change it. He showed me love, he will always be, somewhere, maybe even very close, my dear beloved Amok, I believe he is. He made me understand that love is freedom, and freedom is complete trust. In our relationship, we first lost faith, and then freedom, but nonetheless. Now I see him on the site quite often, I have something to say to him and I have nothing to say to him. He does not need me, but he still lives in me.

Once in one of the letters I wrote him one of my favorite phrases from the Bible, a phrase that today is my motto: “We now see everything as a reflection in a dim mirror, then we will see face to face. Now I know everything only in part, then I will know everything perfectly, as well as everything will be known about me then.

Everything else will become unnecessary, and only faith, hope and love will remain, the most important of which is love. ”

And now I know for sure.