Forgive me for not writing for so long - it started spinning, spinning like a spindle, but a little sense, and the time was gone ...
Do you remember the Sahara desert, which my ex-husband left in me after the divorce? You know, you didn’t want to write about it before, but you’ll have to admit: your girlfriend hated everything and the withered old woman wanders through life. Here is a "poetic" image ...
You ask about the fans, I confess - I am not deprived of this issue, but began to notice that my fans have recently become more and more addicted to the process of worship, and I don't seem to participate in this process anymore. I look from the side at their hands, so tenderly touching my fingers, and I feel nothing but their geographical location! I realized this recently and was horrified - really getting old ?!
And then came the autumn, such a strange, warm, one can say spring. And something moved in me. If I were a tree, probably the whole would be covered with flower buds and swallowed. Heat flared up in my chest, languor, dark desires with teasing wild visions. Dreams began to dream. Do you remember this anecdote, when the doctor asks the patient: “Do you suffer from erotic dreams?”, And that answer is sly to him: “Well, why, doctor, are they torturing?”. Well, so, they, dreams, that is, I was not so much tortured, but overcome. And not people dream, but sensations and music. I wake up and think - sbrendila, and then decided that all this was no accident and began to wait for something unearthly. And this "unearthly" came, more precisely - the underground.
I’m going through Peter somehow and suddenly I see men, it turns out they also live in our city! You know, it suddenly struck me so! And so, I enter such a stricken subway, I enter on foreign hips and shoulders in, as always, a jam-packed carriage and park in half-hanging position on someone's chest. I raise my eyes, Masha, and I am stunned, because what I see ten centimeters from my face cannot be carried in the metro, it should be kept in the art gallery of some famous art museum. Because he, Masha, has lips ... No, he still has eyes, oh, what kind of eyes are, Masha! Their eyes seemed to hit me in the chest. From this blow, something rolled down into the abdomen and flickered-stabbed with needle-stars. And in my head it was as if an explosion had flared, burning my face and neck with heat. Somehow distantly, but instantly, I realized the meaning of the words: "breathless." Remember, as we in the tenth grade, we went with our boys to the movies, and Kolka Ivanov, sort of accidentally and imperceptibly, put his hand on mine. I remember that my heart then literally jumped out of my chest and melted somewhere in the sky, and its hot drops fell from above and burned my chest and stomach, which were twisted with spasms of such pleasure, which I had never experienced, even becoming a woman. To whom to say - they will not believe, but the most happy place in my life until recently was an old tattered chair in the cinema of a small taiga village. So, I feel that my heart, just like then, through the solar plexus, has flown to the ceiling of the car and begins to melt there. And then my stupid fashion bangs, unfortunately, falls on the right eye. I stand like an idiot, my hands are pressed to my body, there is nothing to fix, I look at him helplessly with my left eye and I do not know what to do. And then he bends down and with his cheek takes my bangs to the side. You know, I am terribly susceptible to smells, he also blew such a stunning mixture of cologne and fresh healthy warm breath that I immediately died, although I continued to stand, feeling with horror how my lips were treacherously poured. Men, if they are dressed in wide clothes, can somehow somehow hide the manifestation of their feelings, but you can’t hide the swelling, bright lips, they always betray my desires.I lowered my face, and we are standing tightly pressed against each other, and I am looking straight at the smooth pile of his woolen jacket. And then the carriage swayed, I buried my nose in his chest, leaned back, tried to move away, but it was not there! The carriage, unfortunately, shook from side to side, I looked at him in agony and lay my cheek on his chest.
And then a whisper came from above:
- Do not be embarrassed ... I'll hold you back!
Who would doubt, but not me! It seemed that nothing could tear me away from him, had my will rode so forever ... Cuddling up to him, I felt like he was breathing, and exhausted from the desire to cuddle up to him even stronger, to feel how his chest would tremble and become obsessed with frequent breathing. But I didn’t get so bold, and God knows how he would react to it, men are different, although it seems to me that all men should be pleased that they care about a woman. But there are those who make an indignant person, they start talking about some line that you should not cross, and so on, in my opinion, they are just hypocrites. One way or another, but I did not want to destroy the moment. And the sweetest moments, you must agree, Masha, these are the moments of waiting and beginning. When you still do not know him, you can only imagine his reaction to yourself. At this point, fantasy gets lost ... And then, it is true, you walk with such a wild pain in your stomach from the dissatisfaction of these fantasies, which, however, as a rule, no man can satisfy because of his egoism. Some, however, did not advise me to summarize this issue, but at the same time he did not try to prove the opposite in practice.
Anyway. And everything ended, Masha, rather quickly. The train arrived at the central station, everyone began to leave, we were stung from each other, the seats were cleared, I sat down. And he, without even looking at me, went to the other end of the car, also sat down, took out a magazine from a diplomat and buried himself in it. No matter how hard I tried to send him messages, he was armor - unapproachable and just as cold. I rubbed my forehead with my hand, it smelled of cologne from my hand, so nothing seemed to me. He went out to my station, carrying the diplomat in front of him in some strange way, hurried to the escalator and disappeared. And only here I realized what was happening! His jacket is short, his jeans are tight, his legs, by the way, are awesome. Most likely, our erotic underground tour still left traces in the configuration of his body. Masha, I confess honestly, I regretted that I was in a fur coat, which weakened the sensitivity of my thighs ... That's all.
Three months went restless, thought only of him. I woke up in the morning, did not have time to open my eyes - and immediately saw his face and eyes in front of the inner eye, and again felt the blow of his gaze. During the day at work I also thought only about him. In the evening, she could not sleep, before she reached the point that she began to feel the touch of his lips. The lower abdomen was aching all the time. I was even afraid that I could kill all my thin female body. Immediately I remembered Christ's brides, who brought themselves to monasteries in such a way that they literally felt indulgence with God, even had false pregnancy with a growing belly, in which, as it turned out, there was no child. No wonder Lomonosov said that the young can not go to the monastery, because instead of praying to God, they spend energy, energy and time to tame the flesh.
You know, I understood why the unrequited feeling is so unbearably painful. Because during this period, the accumulation of tenderness grows exponentially with respect to the rest of life, and this tenderness, if it is not given to the man who caused it, begins to eat away at the soul. Oscar Wilde said this about unsatisfied desires that corrode the soul. I think he narrowed the problem. The soul can be eaten by tenderness, love, and any other feeling that has no way out. And recently, something inexpressible happened to me. Do not be afraid, Masha, the beginning is the most banal. My old fan came to me. I have no desire, poor thing, tormented by underground love, as you know, there was no.But they drank something delicious, they ruffled, I could see in my eyes that it started up, and suddenly I was too lazy to resist. Prove, I think everything is gone, and it's time to think about health. She unbuttoned his shirt, pressed her lips to his stomach, and gave up.
Masha, it was here that covered me. Feeling his immersion in me, I closed my eyes. And then she saw the face of that close my fellow traveler. And she didn’t just see distractedly, but saw him above herself ... It’s not my fan who plunged into me, but he. I saw his half-closed eyes, saw how his face changed from the movements of our intimacy, heard his breath, just the way I imagined and wanted to hear there in the subway. You have no idea, Mashenka, what has become of me, what dark fog has clouded my mind ... From a woman I turned into a tigress, my body, as they say in romance novels, arched the arc. The tips of the breasts stood on end under his hands. I saw his hands, Masha, as in live. Strong and gentle, with filled veins, in which, when pressed against his lips, you can feel the rapid flow of his blood. I saw and felt his cheek, clean-shaven, with a slight irritation at the temple, smelling of his cologne, the smell of which I can not forget. And finally, I felt his hot lips, at first patient, and then more furious and greedy.
The end was terrible. I have never experienced such a crazy, black, devilish end, and I hope I will not experience it again. I was twisted and hurled under a firestorm, frozen in a frantic rotation over my body and with a hurricane force opened my thighs. His bubbling funnel entered my bosom, pierced it, swept through the spine and escaped through the chakras with a stream of blinding light. The wild, cutting pleasure slashed and ripped my mind, I groaned something and fell silent. I don't remember anything anymore ...
When I woke up, my fan stood naked at the window and nervously smoked. It can be seen noting in the reflection in the glass that I stirred, he turned around, came up to me and lay down beside me. He paused, peering at me with some melancholy, and then asked:
- Who is he?
I perfectly understood who he means, and answered the truth - that I do not know.
- But you called him by name! - he was indignant.
Here I, Masha, remembered in my head that I was really saying something. But you explain to me - how could I call by the name of the one whose name I do not know? Can you imagine the face of my fan when I asked him - what is the name I said! He put out a cigarette, dressed in silence and left, without answering anything. The door, however, shut quietly. Now tell me - how to live on? Not only did I present a lot of things before, now some really surreal memories have been added to this heap that now do not give me rest. Worse, I am now afraid to go to bed with someone.
In short, I could not stand it all, took a vacation, and now I do not get out of the subway, trying to find him. Only he can free me from this delusion. And I'm trying to remember his name, which I never knew. Lord, what is this punishment for me ?!
I kiss you, Masha, you are my only one who will understand and not condemn, and who else can I tell you ... St. Petersburg, March 17, 1997