Initiation of boys.

Who watched the film "Malena" and how do you feel about the moment where the father takes his son to the house of tolerance?

I have heard about that such a male tradition has existed since ancient times in different cultures. Wise men organized a fallen woman for boys and there are many aspects to it. Perhaps this is not correct from a moral and ethical point of view, but the question is still truly philosophical and this men's tradition has many positive points.

actually the article itself:

"Male initiation"

Part 1

“A man is born free, but everywhere he is fettered,” Rousseau wrote back in 1762 in his Social Contract. By and large, over the past two hundred years and more, little has changed in this regard. The debate about whose chains are stronger — male or female — and which of them I have a harder time living in Russia is left for some other occasion, today we are talking about men.

In our culture, boys grow under the weight of the image of a Man - a man who must fulfill various social roles, meet certain expectations, compete and fight with his rivals. Nobody teaches them to do internal searches and listen to the call of their own souls, ”says Jungian analyst James Hollis in his book, Under the Shadow of Saturn.

It's hard to disagree. Surely, each of those reading offhand will find at least three to five sequels of the phrase “a man must ...”. And if a few minutes ponder, then without much difficulty will find a dozen more. Indeed, there are many similar masculine social obligations. Every child of the male sex, which is called “from younger nails”, grows under their yoke. And at the same time - under almost constant fear, one of these “must” does not correspond. And face the derogatory "you're not a man." The result is that the male identity, as if diligently cultivated since childhood, turns out to be very fragile. Deprived of internal support, strong personal basis, holding on mainly on fear and shame of inconsistency. The current female crying on the theme “no real men” is largely justified. Because in modern culture there is no such important thing as initiation - the ritual of transition from one state to another, the dedication of the Boy to Men.

Let's first say a few words about the rituals themselves.

A real ritual is not just a set of superficial actions to be performed. Put a candle, order a public prayer, sign the book of acts of registration of civil status, accompanied by this action extensive booze ...

A real ritual is an action, the meaning of which is to direct a person into an in-depth experience, as a result of which an internal transformation will occur. The big paradox of life is that awareness and change usually comes through suffering, through collision with pain. When a person lives in warmth and comfort, he, in general, does not need to realize something and change somewhere. This is especially clear to psychotherapists, because people do not come to them from a good life, but precisely because there is something in their life that they suffer from.

If we talk further about rituals, then real rituals have never been invented on purpose. They rather opened up. Such rituals are formed by themselves, and then made legalized. All this people knew well from ancient times, almost every primitive culture was composed of certain rituals of dedication. What remains in the memory of modern humanity from these rituals can now be found except in myths, and sometimes something similar slips some of the works of the fantasy genre.For example, the myth of the search for Parsifal the Holy Grail is a typical male initiatory myth. How many of us know him today? Who is able to “decipher” this eight-century-old fairy tale and “read” those “ordinances to initiation” that are hidden in the story of the young knight?

Modern society is a society that has destroyed the old rituals and has not created anything in return. In the best case, in the process of our life we ​​are dealing with some superficial things - “you go to school, you should behave like a big one”, “you are already 14-16-18, you should think about the future”, “you already 25-30-40, it’s time for you to have an apartment, a career, a family, children ”... As a rule, everything goes“ past the box office ”because it is not supported by any inner experiences and personal changes.

Now there are practically no social institutions that can engage a person in deep-seated experiences that cause transformation. The army is perhaps the only institution that still supports this topic, but somehow it’s too crooked. And among young people and their parents, it is considered good form to “hang out” and “otmazat”, because in the army hazing and in general “horror-horror-horror”.

As a result, we have a self-replicating system of “eternal boys”. Because - and this is perhaps the biggest male secret - "horror-horror-horror" must be passed in order to transform from Boy to Man.

A source

Part 2

If we talk about initiation rituals, then each of them includes two main parts: the dying of something old and the birth of something new (this applies not only to male, but also to female initiations).

It should be noted that in different cultures the archetypical stages of such transitional rituals were approximately the same. Their duration, intensity and certainty quite clearly show that the complexity of the process of separation from childhood and adulthood has long been understood by people.

Male initiation rituals are described in both research, psychological, and fiction. For example, such a description can be found in the book by the author Sat-Ok Salt Rock Land, which describes the life of an Indian boy. I remember it myself when I was a child, I read it. Although about the initiation did not understand then, of course.

Virtually all descriptions of transitional initiation from Boy to Man are highlighted.

The first stage is physical separation from parents, usually accompanied by suddenness and violence.

We look attentively at bold italics - this is important. Parental family, home - this is what is a symbol of comfort, comfort and safety. Analogue of the maternal heart. And voluntarily leave the place where "they feed well enough anyway" ... well, fools of nema. Heat and protection have a large attractive force, but to remain at the hearth meant giving up the opportunity to become an adult.

The second stage - the symbolic death and burial

Passing through a certain episode, giving the experience that he will no longer be able to return home, his departure is final and irrevocable. It was the loss of the former state and self-perception, parting with the world of childhood.

It could be passing through a dark tunnel and being alone in some other place that terrifies.

Third Stage - Revival

A sign that, despite the loss of children's paradise, life goes on. Often at this stage there was a change of name or its acquisition. It symbolized the birth of a new man.

Stage Four - Learning

At this stage, the acquisition of knowledge that is necessary for the young man, so that he could behave like an adult man. He was informed about the rights and responsibilities that he receives in this new capacity - an adult man and a member of the community. Also at this stage there was an initiation into the sacraments, during which the young man should have a feeling of firmness of spirit and participation in the transcendental world.Such training was carried out by special mentors who were guides to help move from one state to another.

Once again, we look here carefully, this is important! It is in this sequence: the separation from “one-child” - the acquisition of “one-adult” - learning how to live in this new capacity.

And now we are looking at modern culture and, as they say, “we feel the difference”. In our culture, learning various skills with skills takes place from childhood, but it is not supported by real transformation and therefore has a very fragile basis. As a result, the feeling of masculinity is very vulnerable.

Here is what Hollis mentioned by me already writes about this:

“The child ... is desperately looking for at least some information, an example to follow, a model of behavior, advice, instruction, help; having received it, he can immediately refuse and, perhaps, even begin to suppress. Choosing this path, the young man hopes that "they" (adults) will take him aside and teach everything he needs to know ... I believed that this could happen when I had to go to school. (Without knowing anything about puberty, I saw that high school students are much bigger than us in size, and therefore they seemed to me closer to those people who are called adults.) But, to my surprise and disappointment, with the approach of the day when I had to go to school, I felt that “they” would never take me aside and say what it means to be a man and how to behave like an adult.

Now, of course, I know that “they”, the elders of our time, did not know what it means to be a man. They, too, did not undergo initiation and could hardly survive the sacraments and receive their liberating knowledge. ”

Fifth stage - the stage of severe test

The boy was subjected to painful - at the modern view, even unjustifiably cruel - suffering. The test necessarily included isolation, being separate from the rest of the community, signifying the impossibility of returning under the protection of adults. This is a solitary survival, in which one had to rely only on his quick wits, his courage and his weapons could last for several months. Thus, in Efremov in “The Razor's Edge” a yogic ritual is described “to be tested by darkness, which quickly and truly changes the soul of a person, takes him to the path, gives inhuman resilience and courage.”

The meaning of these tests was not only and not so much that "the good will survive, the bad is not a pity." And the need to mobilize their own resources, to develop the ability to rely on themselves, when there is no one around.

In addition, suffering can break with old habits and addictions.

And the final, sixth, stage - return in a new capacity.

Having made his journey, having died and risen, having gained a new understanding of himself and his place in life. Parsifal acquires the Sacred Cup, the Russian folk Ivan is the throne and the princess, the Vagabond becomes King Aragorn, Peter Pevens - the ruler Peter the Magnificent ... oh, these fairy tales ... oh, these storytellers ...

What is the meaning of such a transitional ritual? The fact that in order for a boy to become a man, he must survive the trauma, this is a necessary stage of male development.

The purpose of this injury is to separate the boy from his mother. You need to sacrifice maternal safety and addiction in order to become a man. The moment of falling into the harsh conditions, where you need to fight for survival, it is necessary.

“Living in a society in which there are no rituals that give life meaning, we stand in front of a cruel reality - life on the surface. The idea of ​​transition itself contains a deep meaning, for any transition implies some kind of completion, the end of something and at the same time some beginning, the birth of the new. Only death is static; the basic law of life is change, and we have to go through many deaths and rebirths if we want to live a life filled with meaning ...

In our culture, only very few people manage to carry out a psychological separation from the parent family and become adults ... everything that our culture has not given us, we have to fill ourselves. We cannot get away from solving this problem, citing our ignorance, because in this case the process of turning a boy into a man will remain unfinished. ”

As you probably already understood, this is Hollis again.

Nowadays, parents often make a lot of efforts in order to provide children with a very good and safe life. And rarely realize that this leads to the opposite result.

In this case, an important role is played by the ability of parents to cope with their own anxiety that arises when they grow up and separate their son.

However, about it - further

A source

Part 3

It is worth mentioning one more important thing. Namely - about how a “good” transition differs from a “bad” one, initiation - from a different kind of post-trauma.

If it is quite simple, on the fingers, then, for example, what is described here and here (links deleted at the request of interested persons) is not an initiation. This is a trauma.

Despite the fact that the external results seem to be completely different, in the first version this is the classic “mother’s son”, weak-willed and weak-tempered, in the second one is a “strong man” pulling a car and a small cart on everything that “should” as long as he is under the siren is carried away by a white car with a red cross. In fact, these are two sides of the same fragile male identity, based not on awareness of oneself and one's place in life, but on fear and shame. In both cases, we encounter the consequences of the mother’s detrimental influence on the formation of the son’s personality, which turns the formation into deformation.

Why is the mother in the first place? because human life comes precisely from the mother. She is the center of birth, she confirms or denies the child’s right to life. The first information about yourself and about what life is, the child receives from the mother. This is true for both boys and girls, while there are different directions and different shades.

In every man there lives an affectively charged idea of ​​a mother, which manifests itself as a need for affection in caress, warmth, and care. And this feminine part of the male psyche has very great power. If, at the first contact with life, these needs are met, the child knows for sure that there is a place in the world where they take care of him. Freud argued that "the child that the mother cared for would feel invincible."

On the other hand, in order to become a man, you have to break off with your mother. As a result, there is a conflict between the needs for care, warmth, affections and role expectations, according to which it is all about not a man. And this conflict has to be solved somehow.

Most often, he is solved with the help of the suppression by the man of his feminine part and the corresponding needs. This is dictated by the fear of "not being a man", to show some features characteristic of women. And since the repressed is always projected outward, then the behavior in the style of “a real man is the one who built the woman” arises from this. This is a topic of power and control in inter-sex relations. A man, fearing his own femininity, begins to fight with real women.

Of course, not the last role in the way in which the inner conflict of a maturing man is resolved is played by the forms in which maternal love manifests itself.

There are two extremes in the relationship between a man and his mother:

Not a good enough mother, who cared badly, paid little attention. As a result, grow men with increased need for maternal care. They are trying in every possible way to turn their woman into a mother, and at the same time they are constantly not satisfied with her. This dissatisfaction is quite explicable, because not one of these women can give him maternal love.At the same time, such men are very frightened by the thought of breaking off relations with a woman, very much like the horror of a child leaving home, to take a step into the unknown.

Variant of trying to cope with this own fear can be a way out in the style of “what we fear, then suppress”, the desire to establish control over a woman. Traditional patriarchal culture is largely based on the male fear of femininity.

The second extreme is the redundancy of relationships, when the mother is too much, she breaks the child’s fragile boundaries, she is merged with her and is not able to break out of this merger, is absorbed by her and is not capable of separation and, accordingly, maturing. The problem of leaving a man from his mother to another woman, his wife, is usually very good here. When, on the one hand, you want to leave, on the other - it is very scary: “what if you, too, are mother”?

Here it is worth remembering a well-known topic about the narcissistic expansion - when a parent tries to live his unlived life through a child. Regarding the relations of mothers with boys, it usually looks like this - the mother, without living aspects related to her own success, self-realization, begins to lead to her son’s social success. Her love and patronage can lead him to a height that he himself could never climb. This is a very dangerous thing. Because the man at the same time, despite all the social achievements, feels emptiness inside - this is not what he achieved himself, this is what he did for mother or instead of mother.

The unlived life of parents is always a heavy burden for their children.

It turns out that men, on the one hand, have a need for maternal care and attention, on the other hand, they are often very afraid of this. Because too strong maternal love is a sentence forever to remain a child. Therefore, the dynamics of the relationship between a man and a woman most often consist in attraction and repulsion. A man first seeks a woman, then begins to be afraid of her and distance herself. This is another male tragedy - the fear of the feminine part leads to the fact that it becomes difficult for him to establish a close relationship.

This is manifested not only in relationships with women, but also in such a common phenomenon as the alienation of men from their own bodies. The body for a man is rather a tool for achievement, rather than a part of being and existence.

This situation is explained by the fact that the sensation of one’s body is associated with early primary contact with the mother. Fathers seldom embrace their sons and hold them in their arms; therefore, all physical things are “owned” by the mother. It turns out that in order to distance oneself from the mother, one must also step aside from one’s own body. That is why men visit the doctor four times less than women, and die earlier. They often ignore some symptoms, fatigue, discomfort, naturally, this does not pass without a trace.

The father’s role in growing up a boy is to balance maternal energy. In order to separate from the mother, we need additional support, which is the father. If the father is absent - he is not in the family purely physically or he is emotionally distanced from the child - then the relationship with the mother turns out to be dominant and all-consuming.

The fatherly role in this relationship can also be twofold. On the one hand, the father is that which supports and gives energy - the image of the Sun in mythology is precisely the paternal image; on the other hand, he can curse, deprive of strength, suppress.

If the topic of the mother is connected with death and rebirth, then the topic of the father is with the search, wandering from darkness to light, from house to horizon. Wandering in this case means leaving the safe zone and developing a new one.In the process of growing up, every man is depressed by his father or “elder”, who will take on the role of a mentor, show how to survive a trauma, help to remain emotionally honest, explain that it is completely natural for anyone to feel fear and live your life and travel. The son needs his father to show him what he needs to know in order to live in the outside world and remain himself.

If there is no father, the man remains in the clutches of the mother complex. And either becomes dependent on women, becoming a henpecked, or develops overcompensation, becomes such a “cool macho”, whose self-identification is also very fragile, because the main forces are directed to suppressing their vulnerability.

However, the physical presence of the father in the family itself is not a guarantee of prosperous development either. Considering that fathers are often themselves in a difficult situation of vulnerability to their male position and trapped in role expectations, there is often more competition and rivalry than support in the relationship between father and son. These relationships can be either harsh, overwhelmingly-castrating, or, again, take the form of hyperburn, when the father in every possible way arranges the life of his son, depriving him of the incentive to make his own travels. A wise man will send his son to the exploits, and the first prostitute is one of the decisive moments for the boy when the spirit of the hunter awakens in him, the spirit of the noble Male.

By and large, the question of how stable men are in society is a question of the viability of a given society.