This story is based on real events. Invented only the names, places, surroundings and details.

***

Gunter Hochstein celebrated his 45th birthday.

It would seem, not the most round figure, there are more round, - but Laili, Günther’s home leprechaun, decided to make a holiday out of it really downright on a national scale.

Impressed by its scope, Gunter proposed to throw this idea into the Bundestag. But Laili was left and did not believe in the government. She said that this idea would be fucked up, like all good ideas.

“Old owl Merkel will sooner celebrate the anniversary of her fucking with Bush than the anniversary of a good man,” she said, and Gunter could not disagree with her.

Laili was, as already mentioned, Gunter's leprechaun. So he called her - as well as iguana, rogastik, humanoid, and other intricate words. She used to say “you” to him, but at the same time she did not stand on ceremony with him, she called him an old coffee grinder, a monster and Herr Schnobel (Gunther’s schnobel really did have to). A long time ago, in a past life, he picked her up in the city of Grozny, where he was told by a war correspondent, and brought him to Hannover, where they pulled out a whole box of fragments from her, and also opened her right arm to her elbow. But Laili was still left-handed, and her right hand, by and large, only interfered with her, - so she said to Gunther. Prostheses she deeply despised. The only one bought once by Günther hung on her chandelier, outlined by markers, and called the “Hand of Providence”.

Since then, passed as much as 5 years. During this time, Laili managed to become a terribly famous singer and change the 1000 and 1 image, having visited a blue-haired, green-haired, red-haired, multi-colored hair, shaved under the mohawk (it was Gunther’s color comb and nicknamed her iguana), shaved bald and eared, as a prisoner. Günther gritted his teeth, looking at the eyeless miracle Yudo, who imitated thousands of female fans throughout Germany, but did not interfere.

“You are a national disaster,” he told her. “Because of you, entire cities are losing eyebrows en masse and painting at all.

- And super! - Lily's basil to him. - Hardcore Forever!

Finally, at the age of 16, she became interested in yoga, naturalness, and began performing in a linen shirt. For a year and a half, her black curls came down below her shoulders, and everyone on the street turned around, but with a completely different expression on her face.

A month ago, Günther celebrated her 18th birthday, and it was a holiday so a holiday! With him and with friends, they threw cakes, lay in the mud, flew in a balloon, danced at the club, and then made a real drinking party, and Gunther personally forced her to drink "little". Maybe, thanks to him, the binge just came very close to the red line, but did not cross it, - Laili did not even shit, which she indignantly told him the next day. But the finish was still on the level.

Then she caught fire with this idea: to turn his birthday into something so fucking that her majority did not lie near.

“Shake you so old bones clatter like castanets,” said Laili, and Gunther sighed ruefully:

“Just don't spend all your dowry on this, okay?”

One of the gifts to her recent birthday was open access to the account, where Gunther managed to save up a decent amount.

- OK OK. Well I mean, you know.

***

The long awaited day has come.

To begin with, Laily unceremoniously pulled Gunther out of bed and painted his thinning hair red and green (“unstable, unstable, don't be a bore”).

Then a girly company broke into the apartment, presenting a gift to it - pink pajamas with a bull and the words "Excited and Deadly Dangerous."

After that, Günther was given an “interrogation”: he had to admit what he wanted, so much so that he had no strength. Gunther joked, but the girls did a “lie detector” - they squealed like pigs in agony. I had to say it like it is.

Most of all, Günther wanted them all to get out and let him sleep, but he didn’t say that and started with the second most powerful wish - that no one would tug at calls and congratulations. Immediately all of his cell phones were solemnly executed through a blackout.

The next wish was a Thai massage. When Günther came out, pink and rattled, desires flooded out of him, like mincemeat from a meat grinder — dine at the old tavern, take a nap on the grass, stroke the bear ... Driving past the bookseller’s shop, Günter suddenly remembered that he was a bibliophile, dived there and emerged in an hour, stunned, like that bear. In his hands were convolutions with three expensive Talmuds. It seems that the anniversary was a success.

Before going to bed, Laili came to him in a nightgown, red-cheeked and for some reason embarrassed (sometimes she was found).

“My dear monster ... eeem ...” she began quietly and solemnly.

“What, my dear humanoid?”

- I wanted to say ... uh ...

“It seems you wanted to tell me something pleasant, but shy,” Günther approached her. - Then let's better tell you. This is the best day of my life, and I'm not going to pretend that you have nothing to do with it. If I smite you, will you hit me?

He smacked her hot cheek. Lily sighed loudly.

“Since you are not hitting me, I will go even further.” It seems that some people grew, grew and grew into a real goddess. No offense, Lily. You just became shamelessly beautiful, that's all.

She tugged at his nose and ran out of the room. "Here is a kid," thought Günther, listening to the warm aftertaste of the day.

Five minutes later, when he was already wearing his pajamas (a new one, with a bull, even though it was two sizes larger), Laili came in again.

- M? I think it suits me, eh? - Gunter straightened up.

- Yeah ...

She was kind of weird. Her cheeks were burning, her eyes too, and it is not known what is more.

- Well, come on already, decide and say what you want to say, - Gunter winked at her. - I see that it sits in you and will not jump out in any way. Pat on the back?

“Don't,” Lily said hoarsely. “I ... yes, I wanted to tell you something.” First ... Five years ago, a noisy monster picked up a homeless leprechaun. It was very impractical because the leprechaun was ill-mannered and shat on the parquet, and ... But ...

“So,” said Günther. - Now there will be something very pathetic.

- Do not interrupt! I want to say that ... it's impossible to say how much you have done for me. Here it is. And it is impossible to say how grateful I am to you. There are simply no such words. And I can not thank you so that ... But something I still can. It's a miser, but it's ... that's all I can do. For you.

Leila was silent. Then jerked off her shirt.

Gunter, opening his mouth, looked at her neatly shaved front. Then he cleared his throat:

- Hey, what are you thinking? Rogastik, this is not funny. Come scamp here! I do not look at you, - and turned away.

- Wait! Well, what is right here so? You are ...

- Shoot, I say!

- I'm already eighteen! So no scat!

Gunther groaned.

- Well, what are you unbearable, impossible, not ...

- Shut up! And listen. I know, I ... I understand.

- What do you understand?

- I understand what ... pick up a girl of my age. And raising her, and seeing all the time, and ... We never talked about it, because ... because you are amazing. But I still saw and understood everything. Do you think leprechauns are fools ... that is, fools? At first I made a freak out of myself. And then one thought came to me, and ... I decided something for myself. Monster, I'm eighteen. All your secret thoughts and desires - just don’t say that you didn’t have them - all of them ... In short, now all this is possible.Now it will not be shit. Monster, you won. You have stood this test for a hundred and a plus. And you deserve a reward.

Gunter turned to her and listened in silence. Then he said in a completely different tone:

- Lily, let's forget, okay? You did not say this, I did not hear. You did not come here. Please get dressed and go to your room.

- But ... it really is ...