I am a loser and that says it all! And now you can start laughing. At school, the guys called me a loser. I was flooded from the institute because I didn’t commit anything reprehensible, but in the opinion of others it turned out that I did. But that’s another story, maybe I’ll ever tell it.

On that rainy, autumn day, I returned from work. Even in the bus I was scared to pee. So always: itch at the most inopportune moment. I crossed my legs, made horrible faces, half-squatting or nearly bouncing, not caring how it looks from the side. The passengers standing nearby were gradually moving away from me, suspecting a madman at the young man. It was very difficult for me to endure the inconvenience and deprivation, but I stoically endured all the remaining three stops.

The turtle could give a huge head start to the bus, the reason for that was a long traffic jam. Finally, after half an hour, the unfortunate man jumped out of the vehicle and set out to rush quickly to his house, which was only 50 meters away. Naive! Fatum grinned at me and, giving a pretty kick in the ass, figuratively speaking, flattened my body in a band of mud, in a format that was perfect for my mortal body. In short, I slipped and stretched out, under the wild laughter of people at the bus stop, and the passengers quickly leaving my bus (the traffic jam suddenly resolved). Your humble servant tried to take a vertical position. But it was not there that, having imagined herself a ballerina, or rather a cow on the ice, it was not possible to accept this position. It took three attempts.

I was not angry here is nothing! The people at the stop laughed so contagiously that, having moved a fair distance, I myself began to laugh. Passersby avoided me far away. Imagine the picture: there is a guy wilting in the mud from head to foot and laughing at himself. Submitted? That's the same thing! You would also go around.

Approaching the bladder of the young man at home, again made itself felt. I sharply put my hand into the pocket of my jeans to extract the key ... my index finger fell into the hole formed there. I always put the key in the same pocket, knowing my fatal feature. One day ... but no, I'll tell you next time. I put my hand in my pocket a couple more times, in the hope that he would be found, I was completely upset. To move so much agony and pain, standing on the threshold of your own house, not being able to get into the door of your own apartment, anyone will be upset. Naturally the spare key was ... my sister. She lived five stops away.

I could not bear it any longer, and, going around the corner of a neighboring house, I began to irrigate the surroundings. It is clear that he was immediately spotted by an old hag, glancing out the window. She climbed up on the window sill and, opening the window, began to water the hapless passerby with an abusive curse. And I continued to water the wall of the neighboring house. A blissful smile spread across my face. It was time to remember the famous saying, which is not subject to time: "Let my conscience burst better than the bladder!" where fate was pleased to throw him out in the mud ...

At the bus stop people were waiting for minibuses. Fearfully looking at the arrived traveler, they all watched my actions as one. In no time, it dawned on me that it wasn’t for intelligent people like me to load into this kind of transport. "We'll have to go on foot," - a sensible thought came to me: "Just some five stops!" But I knew that the adventures are just beginning and these five stops should turn into a real nightmare. This has already happened once ... However, this is a completely different story, maybe I will tell it, but another time.

The gaze of the unlucky man fell down ...and oh, a miracle! I saw the key! He gently glittered like a gold nugget not far from the mud bath, in which I spent the long minutes of my fall. Carefully bypassing the treacherous place, caressed by fate, grabbed the key to the apartment, where there was no money, but there was a bath with possibly hot water and a toilet, I again wanted to go to this damn place. I was not able to take two steps, as I was stopped by some lady’s formidable voice from a halt:

- Young man! Wait a minute Are you sure it belongs to you? “A prim woman over forty, headed towards me.”

- Am I sure? Yes, damn it to me! It belongs to me - this is the key to my apartment! If you have doubts, be so kind, come with me and I will show you a document confirming my ownership of this apartment! - uttering this fiery speech, the unfortunate shook to the beat with his hand in which the key rested.

The woman finally saw that it was the key, and not the golden thing, as it seemed to her earlier. Subsequently, she admitted it.

Well, I touched that he fell out of my hand straight into the mud and sank in the depths of muddy waters. The woman, feeling involuntarily guilty, set out to help me in my difficult investigations. Having crammed all the dirt with his hands, under the condolences and tips of the audience, the key was finally found, of course, not by me, but by my involuntary assistant. It seems that someone even clapped. Having scattered in apologies and thanks, holding the desired subject in a fist, the unfortunate still got home.

A bullet, running into the toilet, I did not forget to go back and close the front door. Having loaded clothes with a cell phone, a trifle and five hundred rubles into a washing machine, the wonder of nature set out to visit the bathroom.

Hot water, as usual, was not, but from time to time it appeared, making the unfortunate squeal and moan. The shampoo was on the bottom, the search for soap did not work, and was forced to remember that it was part of the initial purchase. Having sat down on the edge of the bath and, imagining himself Bruce Willis from Nuts, my hero incessantly repeated: “Think! Think! ”- while making a face at the same time, befitting the occasion. He thought up! In the locker in the room lay soap with the smell of cinnamon. One of his former passions, and the passions did not linger in the house of a man-catastrophe, gave him this soap on the 23rd, with the words: “I like the smell of cinnamon! I want it to smell from you! ”

Completely naked man left the bath, shivering from the cold. After only half an hour the soap was found. Of course, it did not lie in the locker: its place was in the refrigerator, in the farthest corner. This time, fortune decided to give a smile to a beaten fate. The water flowed evenly. I washed soap for a long time with frozen soap. When my efforts were crowned with success, barely a third of the soap remained. Having hung up the wrung-out clothes over the batteries, I managed to save the five hundred, not to mention trifles, but I had to carefully lower the phone into the bin.

I was very tired from the experiences I had, writing in a book: “buy soap, shampoo, bread”, fell asleep, after having moved the working SIM card to another phone, of which I had a great number. I lost them or they broke often. As soon as I began to fall asleep, I was awakened by a terrible drunken male voice. The drunkard declared: “You are called by some ghad, say, sho you are not happy for him?”. The man repeated this several times until it dawned on me that this was a ringtone, probably installed on my phone by some of the pranksters by the 1st of April.

Having stopped shaking with fear, I took the ill-fated pipe:

- On the phone! - I said evil.

- Konstantinich! Well, how long can you wait! - the girl screamed me right in my ear, so much so that I had to set it aside for half a meter, - I am already running out, right all!

“Please expire further,” I quipped, “but my middle name is not like that.” You probably got the wrong number.

- And what? - Not at all offended, - asked the girl.

- Petrovich, - for some reason I lied and hung up.

Soon I realized that I could not sleep this night. They called every five minutes.After a short time, I no longer ...