I'll report it to you, it was a real ass. With a capital letter! Eh, yes that there with a capital letter, all the letters in this word, looking at this miracle, were capitalized - BACKGROUND! No more and no less. What else are there asses, buns and other rubbish, or whatever they call this part of the body in conversation? Looking at the forms that swayed in front of me, I was worried no worse than these agitated pillows covered with sports leotards. Wow! And I did not want to go a fool. Now I’ll be skating with Seryoga all week. But something I ran ahead, let's order.

I was on vacation. My old friend, taking advantage of the absence of his family, and a matching holiday with mine, invited me to his place. I gave consent, without hesitation, we buzzed earlier with Serega in full. What an unpleasant surprise for me turned out to be that Seryoga quit drinking, left an immoral lifestyle in the past, and generally engaged in sports. Not that I'm completely upset, no, I'm happy for Seryoga, but my plans for a vacation went somersault. On this occasion, yesterday, on my first evening, I visited him in a party in the smoke and fell asleep in the sleep of an overextended baby.

The next morning, of course, my head was not mine; Breaking my eyes, I saw Seryoga’s smiling face above me:

- Sanya woke up (is that what I mean)? Come on up, I know how to put you on your feet.

He was dressed in something sporty, radiated optimism and a fragrant look.

“You look great,” I interrupted with the use of brine prepared in advance at arm's length, “can you give a recipe?”

The answer was a good laugh from my friend:

- Of course I will. Here are some things for you, - I was given a squirrel similar to what he was wearing himself in, - you will go on a bike ride with me.

I remember that my friend is still a humorist, but not to the same extent. I was with a murderous hangover, and I was not offered frail physical exertion, just lovely.

- Serozha, I, of course, respect you and all that, but this is overkill.

They didn’t answer me anything, they just grabbed my armpits and forcibly set up my long-suffering body in the middle of the room.

“It only seems that way to you.” Today, of course, it will not be easy for you, well, never mind, the first step is the hard way.

All this was accompanied by my dressing up, or rather, to begin with stripping, I was even indignant, I did not have time, as I was in underwear. Seryoga felt me ​​all over, walked around a couple of times, with something in his tongue, and issued a summary:

- Hmm, under you launched yourself friend, definitely. It's time to change the lifestyle of Sash, it's time.

“Okay,” I snatched the clothes from his hands, “teach me more, I found a physical instructor.”

After ten minutes of the shower and five wardrobes, I looked quite twofold. With clothes, I personified an inveterate athlete, but with my face ... a wrinkled face signaled a clear diagnosis of Gesture Pohmilicus, requiring unambiguous treatment by drinking alcohol containing liquid. Well, or at least a hot borschik. And of course it is better that both. This external incompatibility did not satisfy me, and I solved this problem by wearing modern sports glasses, which I unceremoniously removed from Seryoga, on my nose.

- Let's go, damn champion.

When I was driven by a two-wheeled unknown animal, an animal, because I hadn’t sat on a bike for twenty years, I gasped. You think from that its cosmic beauty and toughness, to hell there. He was pink, and the wheels are white. Yeah, so all sports, a lot of bells and whistles, and a wonderful pink color. I looked at the name, Paris Hilton is not written for an hour?

- Seryozha, I will not go on this.

- In terms of? Well, yes, this is his wife's bike, we ride together. Do not worry, I adjusted everything for you. You will not regret, the device is just a beast, and there is no special effort whatsoever. Plus route not loaded.

- Are you kidding? He is pink !!!

Seryoga looked at the bike, then at me, then again at the bike, and so on.I blinked my eyes and didn’t understand what I’m so unhappy about.

- I do not understand, what difference does it make to you. Yes, for such a technique any knowledgeable expert in this matter, will give a lot. Pink, - he snorted, and so fiercely, - let's sit down.

Falling lower and lower. I was not a hypocrite, or a chauvinist, but if I saw an adult uncle on a pink bike on the street, I would definitely have smiled. And here, it seems, Seryoga really didn’t imagine what I was doing, so I had to sigh, sigh, throw my leg and lower the seat to the saddle, so it seems, it’s called. Very strange, the saddle turned out to be rather narrow, I didn’t pay attention right away. However, it was comfortable to sit.

The first minutes of the ride were not easy. Sweat poured hail, hands shook, legs did not obey. It became clear that the park into which we entered will be my grave. Seryoga immediately took the pace and flew forward. I trudged at the end of our little caravan, writing out unsure zigzags. Not surprisingly, after a while I stopped. The body required rest, and the lungs air. Since I was standing in the scrap, I stopped near the bench, on which I sank with a sense of injustice and reproach to an imperfect world. I understood that this was my last bike ride, at least after drunkenness. After drinking a lot of water from a plastic bottle, my eyelids closed, seemingly forever.

This is where everything changed. Having opened my eyes for a short time to the white world, which I covered with a otatku, my eyes immediately rested against a woman, who was slowly moving away from her two-wheeled friend. All would be nothing, a woman as a woman, if not her outstanding, both literally and figuratively, ass. Even with glasses, even in such a stunned condition, I was able to capture all the magnificence of such a masterpiece, which was gradually floating away from me along the path.

Where did the fatigue go, an instant, I settled down in the wake of the vision that had struck me. Maybe it seemed? Removing glasses to hell, I looked and realized, I fell in love! The subject of my adoration rode in front of me two meters away. The bum was big, it was big, I insist! How to describe figuratively, oh, take two large apples, stick them next. Get about the picture. In this case, no trace of Zulia, obesity and other disgraces. Gray color sports leotards, or pants, or leggings, it does not matter, covered two hemispheres perfectly. It was impossible to hide anything. Christmas tree sticks, but where are the pants? Through the stretched fabric they should have been visible. About me bastard, she, what, without linen ?! Blood raged in me, I was ready to forget about everything and without delay to cling to this ass. And also, you want to laugh, you want not to laugh, now I really would like to be in the place of the bicycle saddle of her bicycle. Aaaaa, yes what is it.

I don’t know if I bleated something out loud, or if the hostess of the treasure smelled a glance, but she turned around. Your mother, she's also pretty. Of course, not as much as her food, but it’s fine, sweetheart. I was bothered by a short glance and put him back on the road ahead. Oh, good aunt, do not bother to admire. But I couldn’t admire, the mistress of the zhopka, in, I will call her zhopka, spurred my horse and rode at a speed much faster. Ay-yay-yay, I tried to keep up and also added to the move.

Every meter of the race drove me crazy. The fact is, the mistress of my unrequited love so far, I had to stand up a little in order to press hard on the pedals. I did not lag behind, from where only health came from? And accordingly, in front of me, the zhopka appeared in all its dazzling fullness, not constrained by the bicycle saddle. All gone completely. Half zhopki rolled to each other, here and there, here and there. I stopped paying attention to the road at all, which road is like in FIG. I was led by my guiding star, behind it I raced on a pink miracle Yuda in the hope of reciprocity. Of course, such frivolous behavior, albeit not on a real road with cars, led to a logical result.

My pink lightning flew in, and maybe it flew into it, in short, the roar from the collision of two great ones brought me out of the fog of persecution and contemplation for a while. In the head ...