Once at school in a Russian lesson Irina Vladimirovna suggested that we play “associations” - this is a kind of game in which you need to express your idea of ​​some kind of concept. Various topics were touched ... winter, sun, trust, hatred, in general, a great many unrelated words. And at the end of the lesson someone shouted out ... "And what do you associate with the word" love "?”. All as one, they began to say some kind of warm, gentle, sometimes even airy explanations - harmony, light, trust, joy. And only in my head immediately there was one thing - a “snake”. The teacher looked at me with bewilderment, and my classmates could not understand why love was like a snake. “Love, like a serpent, twists around you, around your body, all your thoughts and movements are focused only on her one. And only His Majesty can help you - and you will be free from it, or vice versa - the snake does not back down and sting you painfully, sprinkling a portion of poison into the blood, which is sometimes fraught with even death. ” So at the age of 14, I explained this word that was beyond our control and the illogical word “love.”

Much time has passed, but I remembered that lesson forever. And moreover, over the years this explanation of the word “Love” has more and more firmly settled in my mind, only more conscious and verified arguments of such non-standard and for many illogical associations have been added.

I can not explain why everything is so gloomy and overcast with me with this uneasy feeling. I am not a pessimist, I have not had incredible upheavals and disappointments in life. No, there were, of course, tears, suffering, sleepless nights and even attempts to put into practice hasty decisions. But it happens to everyone in life, because then we live in order not only to rejoice and be in a state of euphoria, but also so that, realizing our mistakes and inadequate actions in the future, do not repeat them anymore.

Until now, I cannot understand myself, why do I always grab for the fact that in the end I am absolutely non-native and unnecessary ?! Why am I suffering, not suffering because of those who really deserve it? Why do I, knowing in advance that this option is doomed to failure, still do not throw away this unnecessary idea to anyone ?! And there are thousands of such “why ?!” ... I have told myself hundreds of times ... “You don't need this! Leave this venture! Throw it out! Forget it! ”But it was not there ... As a result, I again return to the same thing.

Although, most likely, the spark that we all live for has not yet flashed in me, a spark that will make my heart tremble not from pain, disappointment and emptiness, but from a feeling of joy, happiness and understanding that your body and soul have merged with those like you and do not think of existence without each other. Perhaps, just then, “love” for me will become something else. Perhaps then, playing in associations, I will boldly declare that love is a celebration, a carnival, that love is like a melodious song, like a nightingale's trill. Ocean, abyss, flame, dawn, spring ... And many, many hot, fiery and beautiful, I will say about so ordinary and still inexplicable feeling called love.

In the meantime, it is still the same perennial snake, which stings each time more and more painful and painful. The snake, which sometimes brings you to exhaustion and hopelessness. A snake that enjoys your torment ... But I believe that good triumphs over evil, and that one day this association will leave me, my body and my fragile soul forever.