Late in the evening, Lavrenty Pavlovich Beria unexpectedly looked in at the security officer Merkulov.

- Do not slow down, Merkulov, - he reassured, - I, so, smoke a cigarette.

Beria lit a cigarette, sat back on the table and absently looking at the ceiling asked:

- Merkulov, have you ever done cunniling?

And Merkulov did more than once cunniling, but did not know that it was called that, and therefore stupidly asked:

- What?

“I didn't know either,” Beria sighed. - This is, listen, woman language - well, this is, - musk ... Got it, yes? Do you want to tell you how I learned these things?

Merkulov painted on the face of attention. And Lavrenty Pavlovich, glittering with his pince-nez and smoking a cigarette after a cigarette, told him the story of intimate, or rather, intimate-state content.

- Listen, Merkulov, just swear that you will not tell anyone - a matter of the greatest secrecy. The atomic bomb next to this - ugh, seeds. And to tell, listen, also someone wants, not all in itself to carry such a burden, right? Well, listen, a few years ago it was, Koba says on the Politburo:

- I propose to discuss an additional agenda item. Which one - we ask. And Koba, listen, one word - the genius of all times - he says: it is necessary, they say, to seriously approach the perpetuation of the memory of the creators of bright socialism. Well - all for, unanimously. Koba walked around the office and continues: I propose, he says, to capture each of our statesmen in some kind of monumental canvas. According to the approved list and with the approved plot. Well, again voted for. I suggest, says Koba, for Comrade Voroshilov the following story: "The People's Commissar Voroshilov checks the thickness of the stallions in the Armed Forces entrusted to him." Voroshilov, listen, offended by something, began to argue that he, they say, this story does not fit - but you know Kobu? He only flashed his eyes and asked: what are you, Clim, are you going against the party line? Put to the vote - all for, Voroshilov abstained. Then the leader for Molotov presented the story - I would never have heard it, listened, - "Comrade Molotov explains to the workers of the Krasnaya Zarya factory the Central Committee resolution on the inadmissibility of flatulence during political exercises." All again for, Molotov - abstained. And Koba walked around the office and said: I suggest that you start a monumental painting with Commissar Beria. Why from me? - I say. And Comrade Stalin joked: suddenly, he says, you will die soon - how then can you bring your luminous image to the descendants? And what is the plot? - I ask.

- What do you think, what? - suddenly asked Merkulov legendary Commissar.

Merkulov only shrugged. L.P. Beria sighed, shook his head and continued:

- “Academician Lepeshinskaya convicts Commissar L.P. Beria of not mastering the basics of cunniling.” I, listen, and did not know about any such cunniling - I think this is something from biology, Michurin's experiments, some. Took, you know, yes, and voted with everyone for. Well, he came to the office, asked someone to listen, - well, I got a cold on the back. This is what, I think, with this old fool I will n ... suck? And so I was put in such a form for posterity? Say, well, sorry, eh? Kobe began to call: so and so, Comrade Stalin, a misunderstanding happened, because of personal modesty I can not perpetuate myself. Koba doesn't want to hear anything - don't argue with the party line. And then to say, because he himself voted, and now I refuse - stupid, listen. Well, a personal convoy comes to me with the instruction to proceed to field sketches. Fuck you do - go. I say - let's wrap up to Nalbandian on the way, let him draw, I do not recognize other portrait painters. Kobe called, agreed - he does not mind. They took Nalbandian - Merkulov, what a strange person he is, huh? - familiarized him on receipt with a secret resolution of the Politburo, and so - no, I did not believe everything. Before Lepeshinskaya, everyone was going with a gaping mouth and bulging eyes, yes, I thought he was being played out.

We enter, Lepeshinskaya already negligee, covered with a veil, well, Nalbandyan set the easel. I ask: Comrade Lepeshinskaya, do you understand that the plot implies the separate location of me and you? And Lepeshinskaya, a bitch, for nothing, he rubbed his glasses on Lysenko himself and immediately snapped up: that’s clear, Comrade Beria, that you really didn’t master the basics of cunniling, because with him the separate location is completely excluded, I say, I am convinced once again in the ingenious vision of the leader comrade Stalin, that he so wisely chose a theme for a pictorial masterpiece! Yes, Merkulov, did not pass the number - I had to, listen, get up on all fours and ... do you know what sensations? Do you want to tell?

Merkulov again vaguely moved his hands. L.P. Beria smacked his lips, his face became a dreamy expression, and he plunged into sweet memories.

“I didn’t think at all, listen ... My tongue was melting in bliss ... Gray hairs of comrade Lepeshinskaya pleasantly pricked my gums ... Her hoarse moans with a sweet wave hit me directly in the brain ..." Here it is, happiness, which one enjoys the righteous in paradise, ”I thought, almost losing consciousness from complete ecstasy.

Lavrenty Pavlovich stopped, smacked his lips again, sighed again, and lit a cigarette, began to talk further.

- Yes, Merkulov, who has experienced this - the most blissful of mortals ... One thing, you know, I didn’t like - this grymza’s teaching methods could not be left behind, listen, well, completely insensitive woman. She would have something affectionate to say, but she is all in the plot: how do you hold your tongue, Comrade Commissar Beria, deeper, deeper ... in general, everyone is dissatisfied with something, yes. I’m already here the Chinese communists, I asked, they translated one book, gave it to - "Tao of Love" - ​​well, listen, I do everything according to the textbook - and still you will not please her. And also, listen to what is bad, - Nalbandian could not stand it, - Armenians, are they, all that so nervous, how do you think? - he needs to draw, and he will take it to the floor. I say to him: can you eat badly? - he answers, - no, Comrade Commissar, it is me from an excess of feelings.

Well, and then, Merkulov, - and why did it find me? - I made a mistake. I think: how is it that I have a wife, I have to explain to her, ashamedly, listen - it turns out, I change, right? I somehow gathered my courage and said: listen, wife, serious talk to you. I now go here to a comrade academician Lepeshinskaya, I work out her clitoris, but you don’t think, I don’t betray you, we are posing with Nalbandian for a picture, this is our party order. Well, you know, after all - a woman, as she carried on me, ah, Merkulov, - never happened. I say: call Kobe, if you do not believe. She calls: so and so, Comrade Stalin, my ... well, she didn’t call me well, she says that at the Lepeshinskaya clit sucks, that the party entrusted it to him. And comrade Stalin to her: why does comrade Beria reveal to his wife an important party-state secret? In short, Merkulov, she understood everything, but do you understand? - demanded that Lepeshinskaya and I posed for Nalbandian with her. And then, he says, I know you - you will not stop on cunniling, but there’s no other thing about the plot, so I’ll follow you myself so that there is no corruption.

And she began to go with the sketches with me - you know, Merkulov, well, not in a rush, it was not at all that, eh? Lepeshinskaya gives her pointers, his wife immediately stands above her soul, Nalbandyan snorts, like a teapot, who check from the Central Control Commission — well, it's an intimate affair, eh? I already say to Nalbandian - you round out with your sketches - well, he said a couple of times that he would have enough sketches.

Lavrenty Pavlovich paused, slyly flashed his pince-nez and asked:

- What do you think, Merkulov, what came of all this? From our, you know, dao love with Lepeshinskaya?

“A picture, probably,” answered Merkulov carefully.

- Listen, it is clear that the picture ... I’m not sure about anything else, Merkulov ... Do you know that Lepeshinskaya grew up? Do you know how much? On ten centimeters, in as, understood? And at me, you look ...

And Comrade Beria opened his mouth wide.Not believing his eyes, Merkulov saw how he protruded from there — no, not the tongue, but ... the real phallus! Wow!

And L. P. Beria proudly moved to and fro with what he used to have had his tongue, and confidentially told Merkulov:

- I now indulge myself, understand? No girls needed, right? This is what Merkulov! I'll show you now ... Listen, close your eyes for a minute.

Merkulov, who closed his eyes, heard the belt buckle ring, and then something hot wet licked his ear. Involuntarily pulling back, Merkulov opened his eyes - and was stunned. Lavrenty Beria stood triumphantly grinning at his chair with his pants down, and between his legs, in front of Merkulov’s face, there was a wide, red and slobber ... language !!! And Merkulov, like the faint-hearted Nalbandian, hiccupped and fell to the floor in a bag.

P. S. At a secret meeting of the Politburo of the People's Commissar L. P. Beria, a closed state prize was awarded to the development of the clitoris of Comrade Lepeshinskaya.