"I'm looking for people like me ..."

There is nothing interesting for those who are not looking for and do not appreciate real feelings. Many, having read it, will consider me a kooky idiot (I don’t give a damn about everything like that for a long time), but there may be a few people who like it.

I need to say about the style of my writings that everyone — every word, letter, comma is not superfluous — tried to write more than a text: to convey emotions.

I tell little to anyone, especially about dreams. A few years ago I did not attach importance to them, did not think about them; but lately, sometimes I dream of SUCH ... that you will never forget. I must say, I have my own life in a dream, I cannot distinguish it from reality there, even if something extraordinary happens (but possible) and I try to prove to myself - I sleep - nothing happens, everything is quite logical and real (I feel pain, inventing “questions” myself to other participants of sleep, and so on), do I have to say what happened to me, dream about my beloved girl (from reality), from which I lost my mind, which turned my life, taught me how to fly, but which is not with me, does not want and cannot be with me even though it knows that I am ready for everything for her, that many I don’t give a damn about myself, I am ready to exchange my life, to become ashes, in just one moment, when I would believe that she is happy with me ... but I cannot ruin her personal life ... I don’t know how old I am enough. And I dreamed ... she said she wanted to be with me ... I woke up! ... in hell - now I can say with confidence that I was there ... I screamed, howled, fought in a fever ... I don't understand why I was still alive ? thereafter. But I am only glad about it, as I have already said - I am ready to descend into hell once more, just to be with her for a minute, to hug, to feel that she is well ... After that, I had something to remember.

"This is bigger than my heart

It's worse than jumping from the roof

It is louder than the cry of the mad

But much quieter hammered squeak "

I am 18 years old ... I am alone ... I have been looking for a long time girl able to understand me, able to love ... I want to be with her, do EVERYTHING for her, fly together, I know the “way” to heaven (I and there was), but one is bored even there, who is she? I'm not so important anymore, I want to give my warmth, love, if not the one I love.

Today is September 12th. And today - last night - again ... but not she. In general, an ordinary dream is about nothing ... I'm at my dacha, summer, a lake, the water is warm, the sound of the breeze, the singing of birds, ... and now I'm floating, I am attracted by pleasant voices from the other shore (~ 200 meters) I go there, sometimes by smiling people (just a beautiful day for everyone). And now I am close to bathing from that beach. I draw attention to a very cute girl, even more than a pretty one ... there is something in her that I like most about appearance (not about beauty) - she looks so easy somewhere off into the distance, it seems that she doesn’t smile, but you can smile , flight, smoothness such. The pricks are a little close to the heart, and a little bit parting his knock - swims by. For some reason I immediately forget about her. My attention turns to 3-4 girls, who are also quite good-looking, but far from beautiful. It can be seen (or feel) that their men are not deprived of attention and they know that many would very much agree to stay with them. By the way, about that "swam" girl - the exact opposite of this; there is some kind of aura around her, and the eyes of men do not look at her (strangely). Floating past this kompashki I feel an unusual discomfort - I don’t want to look at them and hear their conversations, it happens when you want to spit on someone’s feet ... I swim ... I stop a few meters from the shore, the bottom is under my feet. I stand some. And ... what is it? ... throwing my arms back slightly, I feel a timid, but extremely gentle touch of her hands - I instantly remember and understand that it is she, that girl with a look into the distance (and I don’t see her yet).

She did not just touch, she took my hands in her ... I turn, I see her, eyes lowered, in them pain and prayer, as the last hope, inevitability, spontaneity of her actions; but that didn’t change her gaze (as I first saw it) —the same unreal flight, the same inner smile, charm and anxiety ... I had been waiting for it for so long (beyond sleep), by this moment I had merged with her thoughts, it is with mine, it is no longer there, there is no me - only we, there is no bottom, there is no water and people in thoughts, but we stay on this beach, we are in the same place, like standing, can swim, or fly. We have been waiting for this for so long, we have been searching for each other, I feel in her the same anguish of love, the same every minute “struggle for existence” with myself, or rather with the very love that I captured, destroying everything that was it, filling not only the heart, but also the brain, thoughts, and soul, and personality, and subconsciousness. I have my own rejected love, she has her own - I know that, although we have been standing for just a second and have not said a word ... Just a moment passes, no less ... - her (like mine) timidity has evaporated, on exhale, she says only one word “let's go” (it would fly from me too - I was inhaling), which indicated where, why go and confirm everything ... without releasing our hands, we go to the beach, she looks for her things with her eyes , does not find, does not pay attention to it, we sit down at the first free space, it turned out to be next to some kind of iron riser (such as clothing ears). I hear her and my breath, and by him we say, we feel the need to tell each other what we already understand ... no, we don’t say, just fragments of words, sounds, lip movement, enough to understand that I am I hear her thoughts ... I want to say about the last two years of hopeless stupid uncontrollable murderous waiting, I just thought about it - she heard, in her look, and this and her is the same ... again, fragments of words ... "five years" I hear from her ... she has the same story but for 5 years !!! - flashes through my head - And she is still alive and not crazy (?) ... she is stronger than me, what would have happened to me in three years? I embrace her or she (just like sitting on a sofa or in a cinema, but more tender), we understand that we saved each other, then quiet tears of joy, our warmth, shivering, gratitude, we are already flying not only with our soul, we took off everything, completely, the brain completely shut down, still more spontaneously and mutually. I understand: I want her; Well, no, it’s not like that, there is no word for it ... I just want her, not her body, we hug each other, her / my arms walk squeezing on the back, I feel her lips and warm air on my cheek behind my ear on the neck, the breath of her chest on my chest, I answer with an unexpected deep Exhalation in the whole chest, with the touch of my lips it is already incomprehensible to what - cheek temple ears ears hair neck face - all of it merged.

For a moment they stopped ... eyes in eyes ... and ... a sharp, strong, furious and crazy kiss, you can feel even the sound of the heart in her ... her lips are so sweet, tender, moist, her warmth pierces me like lightning like a soft but powerful blow, paralysis, veins and nerves stretched out in tension and stopped ... eternity ... passion ... touching the lips ... and I did not wake up, but left that dream with her, we still she was "chatted" (also without words), I came back to reality gently, until the morning ... I didn’t scream, everything was calm ... there wasn’t that “break” that always haunted me ... but I'm not a zombie yet - my feelings have not been dulled - she just stayed with me, I still feel the touch of a hand, her breath, thoughts ... I found her ... in a dream ... If it happened on really! (?) ... Lying in bed, I remembered this dream completely, from the beginning to ... (there was no end), with all the details, as one whole; all sleep in a flash and ... stayed forever. I began to understand him - it was a dream “vice versa” in the sense that the exterior was the inner contents of all people (especially girls and, of course, hers). Strange, but it’s very similar to something like a “thing” of sleep (I don’t believe in them which I am stupid after all), I’m sure for 100 pounds that “at the other end of the wire of this dream” a girl hangs ... Oh my God!!! How I want to find her !! If you read this, even if you are not exactly she, if you are imbued with my sleep, you understand me - please answer! decide, write to me, you know that you will not regret, we will be fine together ...

“Death is worth living;

Love is worth the wait. ”